3rd Post Graduate Research Conference

"Taking the Devil by the Horns: Lucifer's journey from Morning Star to Arch-demon and back again"

On Sunday, I will be reading an abstract from my MA dissertation from the Cultural Astronomy and Astrology course at Bath Spa.

Essentially, I will be arguing that the story of Lucifer is a result of a mistranslation by St Jerome and a myth perpetuated by later authors. I'll also be talking about goats, pentagrams and winged deities, by products of the Lucifer myth.

Since I'm de-mystifying Lucifer, I thought I should thrown in a satan (who isn't who we think he is either) joke. But you'll have to come to my talk to fully understand. . .

Pluto conjunct Neptune

Two satans meet one day. The first satan says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender missionary, I’ve baked them, I have roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. I just can’t seem to get them tender.”

The second satan asks, “What kind of missionary do you use?”

The other replies, “You know, the ones that hang out at the place at the bend of the lake.They have those brown cloaks with a funny ring of hair on their heads.”

“Aha!” the second satan replies. “No wonder – those are friars!”

Happy Caturday

Venus in the 6th. . .with a Jupiter transit

Helen Clark: Oopsie

The Metro has reported that Helen Clark, former MP of Petersborough, was filmed ranting and raving whilst seemingly blind drunk.

Oopsie.

We’re used to young people acting like fools on too much of the brew but to have an adult in a position of responsibility ranting like an idiot? It’s embarrassing enough for a normal person (and I use that term loosely) to be seen in such a state but to be a politician and to have it recorded on youtube seems to be most unfortunate.

So unfortunate that I couldn’t resist but have a little peek at her chart.

According to her Wikipedia entry, Helen Clark was born 23 December 1954 in Derby. A quick head calculation will tell you she’s going to have transit Pluto problems—and sure enough, with Pluto’s current position at 29 degrees, 30 minutes Sagittarius, the Lord of the Underworld does his stake in the heart routine all over her natal Sun/Mercury conjunction. Anything Helen hopes to be buried and forgotten is likely to resurrect its spiky little head at every embarrassing opportunity. If she goes through with her threat of suing youtube and Goddess-knows-who-else, it will only call attention to her shenanigans and cause more embarrassment. It’s enough to evoke images of Hercules and his battle with the deadly Hydra, a terrifying multi-headed beast.

In the myth, Hercules was assigned the task of killing the Hydra. His mentor advised him, “We rise by kneeling. We conquer by surrendering. We gain by giving up.” Hercules paid no mind and went in to fight the Hydra with sword a-blazing. Every time he cut off a head, it was replaced by three more heads, each one more vicious than its predecessor. Eventually, Hercules got the idea of what his mentor had advised him. Kneeling in its slime, Hercules raised the Hydra to where the sun shone in the cave and it withered and died. Where there’s Pluto, there’s treasure: after its death, the Hydra was replaced by a valuable jewel. And that’s the beauty of a Pluto transit. . .

Rather than calling more attention to this dreadful predicament, Helen should maybe face her demons and be seen to do something about it.

In honour of politicians, seemingly irredeemable situations and last second resurrections, here’s my Jupiter in 12th inconjunct Mars in 7th (with a Pluto transit) joke.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.
After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food. After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him." "No problem," says the barman. "He's upstairs with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man. "Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"

Enid Williams: Rock Astrologer

Not only did I bump into Shelley von Strunckel the other night at the Astrological Lodge of London, I also caught up with my friend, rock goddess and astrologer, Enid Williams, who is in the heavy metal band, Girlschool. Enid was worried about taking a bad photo. Ha! As if! Here's Enid's my space link! You have got to see this chick do her guitar thing!

In honour of my favourite rock astrologer (OK, she's the only rock astrologer I know of but she is MEGA cool), here's my very flattering Sun cj Neptune with a Jupiter transit in the 7th joke.

A guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he'd like a scotch before he goes home. The player says 'sure' and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute.

From nowhere a little voice says, "Great gig man, you're one hot picker."

The player looks at the barman and says, "Thanks."

The barman says, "What for?"

The player says, "For sayin' nice things about my work."

The barman says, "I didn't say nothing."

The guitarist thinks it's late and he's a bit spaced so he'd better head off when another little voice says: "Yeah, great licks, man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there."

The guitar player turns around and says, "Thanks," but there's nobody there.

The feller at the bar says, "Are you ok?" because the picker looks a bit pale.

The guitarist says, "Yeah, I think so."

Then, as he empties his glass another voice says, "Hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you!"

The guitarist says, 'OK! THAT'S IT! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?'

The barman runs down and says, "What's your problem dude?"

The guitarist says 'WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?'

"What voices? What are they saying?"

When the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says: "Oh that'll be the peanuts, man. They're complimentary!"

Alex Trenoweth's guide to annoying star signs

OK, anyone who knows me knows how I feel about star signs (equivalent to a priest selling fake holy water). But yesterday, I met the only astrologer in the world with a cooler surname than me, Shelley von Strunckel . (And do you see what I mean about me never being able to manage to look glamourous?) Shelley encouraged astrologers to be more generous to other astrologers and to stop trying to out do each other. Inspired, I decided to offer the proverbial olive branch to my friends who write the newspaper astrology columns.

In case you haven't figured it out, the jokes in this blog are a collection rather than my own intellectual material (I keep waiting to find a threat for legal action in the comments: you know: "that's my joke, you astrologer, you."). However, this guide is my work so if you're going to quote it, make sure you attribute it to me, okay? On second thought, don't tell ANYONE I did a star sign guide. (Thanks for a fab talk, Shelley--and it was lovely to meet you!)

Alex Trenoweth's guide to annoying star signs

Aries: Make them wait in a long queue that doesn’t seem to be moving
Taurus: Move their furniture around--just a little bit. Eat in front of them without offering them anything. Make sure you finish every crumb.
Gemini: Don’t speak to them or don’t give them the chance to speak at all. Make sure you immobilise their hands too.
Cancer: Insult their mothers, their country or their offspring. Deny them all dairy products. Especially cheese (all right, that would get on MY nerves)
Leo: Hide their hair gel/hair brush, then take away their mirrors
Virgo: Eat something that makes your fingers sticky then shake their hand. Make sure there's no running water/soap/hand wipes first.
Libra: Let them know they’re not invited to your party. Make a big point of handing out the invitations in front of them.
Scorpio: Return their “evil” glare without a flinch, expose their secret plans, act as if you're not morally offended at their double entendres.
Sagittarius: Tie them up. Gag them and don’t let them exercise their right to freedom of speech. Hide their passport.
Capricorn: Put everyone to work, then make sure everyone gets a pay rise and promotion except them. Tell them they're lazy and will never amount to anything.
Aquarius: Deny them the opportunity to do group work, make them wear a business suit with the tie done all the way to the top. Ensure they blend in with the crowd.
Pisces: Give them all the alcohol they can drink then give them a map and tell them to find their own way home.

And Jules and Kim: You know. . .

Practice Hen Night

Well, they say practice makes perfect so me and my buddies Jules Genik and Kim Farnell did a dummy run of my hen night. And it's a good thing we did too because the restaurant wasn't quite what we'd expected. The food wasn't bad but it was a bit over-priced and the menu wasn't as extensive as we would have liked. To top it off, the service wasn't so hot (though perhaps we can excuse this because the Maitre 'D had a heavy cold--which he kept inadvertantly demonstrating to us). For the better part of the meal, we were also the only three in there which made me wonder why it wasn't more busy on a Saturday night in the middle of London. Then there was the thing with the two ambulances and three police cars outside that convinced us that perhaps this wouldn't be the best place for a group of women to feel safe after a few drinks and without male escort.

However, don't you just love it when you do something different with you hair and it works?

Here's me at the start of the night, looking somewhat glam (being a teacher, the glamourous look is something I rarely manage. No matter how hard I try, I end up still looking like a teacher!).

And here's me a few hours later at a club we found near Oxford Circus, looking a little tired. Don't be too hard on me--it's 1am and my bedtime is usually about 9:30. Special note: Jules has this lipstick that makes your lips feel like you've been supping the tabasco sauce. But don't they look lush?

And the nominee for the weirdest toilets goes to. . .

this club in London had toilets that looked like something out of Alien. I was scared to use them and opted for a hedge ticket on the way home. No not really, I did use them but I was still pretty freaked out.

Me and Kim, with Jules taking the photograph. Some sweet young male thangs made the passing comment: "There's some nice looking ladies!" Made our night! Although, standing next to Kim, I think I look like a hulking female impersonator!

In honour of hairstyles that turn out okay, Hen's nights that could have been turkeys if it hadn't been for the dummy run and getting compliments out of young stud muffins, here's my joke to provide a little counterbalance. . .

Saturn in 6th

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.

The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

Pretty Kitty

I love cats.

I especially love it when they walk on me when I'm in bed. I love the way they stick their cold little noses in my ear and purr. I love to watch them stretch. I love it when they meow at me because I'm not opening their tin of food quick enough. I love it when they rub themselves against my legs. I keep thinking I'd like to get them to paint like the cat, right.

Anyway, this morning my beautiful boy, Purrseus (below left), killed a mouse just for me. How do I know he killed it for me? Because he left it right where he knew I would be sure to step on it. Yuk. Try having mouse guts squashed between your toes at 6 am. I do love my cats though (we also have his twin brother Bubbles). So much that I'm going to declare it Caturday with a gorgeous range of Venus in the 6th house jokes. By the way, you might know that small animals rule the 6th house and big animals ruled the 12th. So how do you know if an animal is "big" or "small"? Well, apparently, if it's bigger than a goat, it's 12th house and if it's smaller than a goat it's the 6th. However, I forgot to ask: "what about goats themselves?"

No matter. . .here's a few cat jokes. Happy Caturday!

1. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

2. What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

3. Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.