The Alchemical Journey

On Monday the 19th of January, we at the Lodge took an alchemical journey with John Wadsworth. Personally, I had only seen John as the great scholar (we did the MA in Cultural Astronomy and Astrology together), never as John the amazing actor. So I was as surprised as anyone to see John leaping about from star sign to star sign, revealing aspects in each that I had never noticed before. He even made me jump out of my skin when he burst out as Aries. Although many of us in the audience were aching to join him, we are very much an organisation that likes to keep the collective bottoms on the seats. We seem to like the speaker at the front of the room, behind the podium and referring to the screen. How wonderful it was to have a break from that.

Oh and John Wadsworth has holes in his socks. I didn't quite get the photographic evidence but take it from me: John's socks are well and truly ecclesiastic and sanctified (they're HOLY,geddit?) but at least he had the guts to take his shoes off in the first place. Don't worry, we're learning to embrace barefoot astrology.

In honour of John's religious socks, I have a very special Saturn in 12th house joke just for him:

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

“Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be put off by them.”

“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.

“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

Her mother said simply, “Try this: in the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.

This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”

Happy Perihelion (a bit late!)

Pardon the delay in blogging-my school had a few "vistors" and this effectively put my entire life on hold. When I returned to what some people may consider a normal life, the batteries of my mobile, digital camera, i-paq and i-pod were completely flat. So that's how busy I was!

I intend to make up to all (a-hem) my faithful readers and other kind people who I'm slowly discovering have been linking to this blog (leave some messages, eh?) by including in this blog a poem, a few meaningless facts and, as ever, a gut bustingly funny astro joke.

We did hold our annual Perihelion Party on 4 January. We are fortunate to have such wonderful guests who truly get into the spirit of the eating, drinking and merriment (a few years ago, we did have a horrible guest who was allegedly throwing black magic around when she didn't get all the attention she thought she deserved. It was rather exciting in a demented kind of way.). There was copious food and drink and yes, I did have to get up for work the next day! Left is one of our participants in the festivities, Jeremy Thomas Morgan who read from his "A Clutch of Poems and Songs for a Night of Gallavanting with Gidwen" book. We ate veggie curry and rice and celebrated being on the wrong side of the tilt of the earth (hence the reason we were freezing our asses off when we're supposed closest to the sun).

Jeremy publishes his work written in his own fair hand. He has the most elegantly beautiful handwriting I've ever seen. Having been spoiled by a keyboard ever since I realised that I was giving my teachers headaches, my own handwriting is pretty bad so I'm not only envious of Jeremy's poetical talent, I'm rather jealous of his calligraphy skills too. To top it all off, he has a beautiful speaking voice! The other photo is of John Etherington of Midheaven books. I love the way he is listening so intently!

At the risk of spoiling the aesthetics of Jeremy's poems by typing them (actually, this poem he did type) I duplicate them for others to enjoy in cyberspace below:

"The last Elf's song at the end of time"

In vain I seek the Way that's gone--

a road towards the Sea

past ruin'd tow'rs that stand alone--which only I can see.

And whither have my kindred fled

who left so long ago--

(for surely, they cannot be dead

who lingered her so slow)?

I see their traces in the land;

I hear their stones' soft song;

I feel their waves upon the strand

of which I dreamed so long!

Now everywhere I send my though

but echo is returned;

Of all the answers I have sought

this one alone is spurned.

No muffled silence calls to me--

no Kindred Song is heard--

as far away the lapping Sea

now lisps its final word.

Yet here in lonely silence, I

shall dream the Final Song

and hope before the Stars all die

that I shall last as long.

Jeremy Morgan (10/10/84)

In other news, I finally finished my certificate for the Faculty of Astrological Studies. I was trying to gain some sort of recognition for the person who employs their retrograde Mercury in the most pointless and stupid manner in the history of astrology (and that's a long history my friend). So I gave up and smartened up. . .and I finally got the certificate.

Here's a few pointless facts to celebrate having Uranus in Pisces:

1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
2. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt"
3. Almonds are members of the peach family.
4. The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
6. Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
7. The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
8. "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."
9. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
10. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
11. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosesl.
12. The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukup okaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill.
13. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reinade los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size,L.A.
14. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
15. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
16. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
17. Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
18. Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
19. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
20. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
21. There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the,there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
22. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
23. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
24. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
25. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
26. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti
27. 'Stewardesses' is the longest English word that is typed with only the left hand.
28. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways; the following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
29. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
30. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
31. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian seal for that reason.
32. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
33. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead."
34. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

And of course, as promised, a very special Mars in the ninth joke:

A man suffering from premature ejaculation went to get some advice from his doctor. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. He couldn't do it home because he didn't want his wife to know. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to do the business. He closed his eyes and thought of his wife. Just as he was getting into it, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his trousers. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The policeman then replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

And the panto continues. . .

Well, first of all, let me say "Happy New Year!" and wish you the very best in making this year the best year ever!

As for me, I'm still playing at Panto or at least it looks like it with my last day of 2008 let's-try-something-a-little-different look!

In honour of taking a risk and trying to look a little different, here's a very special Venus conjunct Uranus in the first trine Jupiter in the 5th!

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde (obviously, with Uranus involved, it can only be a bottle job) lady arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

The dealers shrugged and one of them slowly counted out the cash of what would be her win if her impossible numbers were to come up. Soon, there's a huge stack of money in front of them.

She looked at the stack of money--nearly two million dollars--and said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

If I were a boy. . .

If I were a boy, no one would go out with me!! How do I know? Because for this year's pantomime, I did the gender bending thing:Yeah, I was one of the several dwarves. As an aside, doesn't Wynton (my trumpet--which I played as part of the script) look magnificent??

For last year's panto, I played this OTT Queen of something or other:

Haha--I just wanted to see what I looked like as a blonde. To be honest, I found it very therapeutic to play such opposing characters (and even better, no one recognised me). I was thinking, wouldn't it be kinda funny if these two characters--both different sides of me--could have a conversation?? Oh oh, here comes a Venus opposite Mars joke. . .with a little Saturn/Neptune transit:

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Peter. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Peter, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Peter, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Thanksgiving misgivings

As an North American, I've always thought it was my duty to put Thanksgiving on the calendar. And I've had some wicked Thanksgiving dinners around mine. Growing up, Thanksgiving was the one holiday that the whole family could enjoy without getting too stressed--and with a Canandian mother and an American father, we always celebrated the Canadian and the American Thanksigiving (woohoo--two dinners!). For the Canadian Thanksgiving, I was always travelling because I was in some parade somewhere so dinner would be at someone else's table. For the American Thanksgiving though, we'd eat, then watch some football, then eat some more, then everyone goes to bed and wakes up Friday morning and eats turkey again (Thanksgiving is always the fourth Thursday of November for Americans). With Thanksgiving out of the way, it always meant that Christmas could be prepared for in earnest--at least that's the way it used to be in the good old US of A!. As I grew older though and became a Red Power Indian, I became a bit reluctant to celebrate Thanksgiving. To many Native Americans (bear in mind I'm a half breed) Thanksgiving is a terrible reminder of the past. It was the start of the long lasting genocide of our people. However these days I prefer to look at it more like this:

Anyhooo. . . I did have a wonderful Thanksgiving and it's all about being with frieds and being grateful for all you have. And I have soooo much to be gratfeul for! Here'a few of my wonderful friends:

Mr Mike Day, psychic phenomenon (above).

Me and Gill Dorren. . .and to think I was worried the photos might give a hint as to how much alcohol was consumed on the night!

See my shirt? It says:
LOL

OK, I let you off the joke last week (in honour of Desmond Tutu!). Today I'm having a pop at vegetarians with a Venus cj Jupiter in the 12th joke:

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?""Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."Then he fined the farmer. Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.

The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

Desmond Tutu!

First, I think I had better say that Bernard Eccles was fabulous at the Lodge on Monday Night. He demonstrated how midpoints are often activated in charts when major events take place. Transits and progressions alone are often not specific enough to explain what is going on. As an example, Bernard used Edward VIII and George IV's chart on the evening of the abdication to explain the power of the outer planet midpoints. Ebertin's COSI can then be used to delineate their meaning.

In other news, I got to meet Desmond Tutu at Canterbury Cathedral! I was there with my school for a celebration service. All the teachers had to wear robes from the university where we last received our degrees--the pupils were knocked out, lol! My last degree was the MA in Cultural Astronomy and Astrology from Bath Spa University. Ha!! So here's me, an astrologer, shaking hands with Desmond Tutu, who had given the sermon:

Without a doubt, this had to be the best handshake I've ever had! Desmond (yeah, we're on a first name basis with each other) gave a beautiful sermon. Besides being a wonderful storyteller, he was incredibly warm and funny. He recounted a story about a small boy who was watching balloons floating in the sky. The balloons were all colours: green, blue, red, purple, yellow. The boy watched them and wondered at their colours, thinking the colours were what was making the balloons defy gravity and float high and higher. Desmond said: "The boy soon realised it wasn't the colours that was making them float, it was what was inside of them."

It was a beautiful day and I'll never forget Desmond Tutu's warmth, optimism and humour. Thank you for the wonderful blessing.

In honour of Desmond Tutu, I will refrain from my usual debauched humour and just say that it was an honour to be in the presence of such human beauty, dignity and integrity.

Thank you Desmond for all your hard work and dedication to make the world a better place! I've never been so inspired!

(Alex Trenoweth with Desmond Tutu)

Another Weekend, Another Conference

"It's Saturday, I must have to be somewhere!" was my first thought of the weekend. Never mind that I spend my entire week teaching and my evenings writing (50,000 words since September--get that, Campion?). If it's a weekend, there's gotta be a seminar or a conference. So I went to the Warburg institute--okay, make that I tried to find the Warberg Insititute. I have the very embarrassing problem of getting bloody lost every time I go someplace new. Anyway, just as I was about to give up, I ran smack into Geoffrey Cornelius who kindly guided me to where I was supposed to go. And was I ever glad I didn't miss it. Not only was it a day of fabulous lectures, not only did I get to have lunch with the gorgeous Kim Farnell, the divine Garry Phillipson and the sublime Allie Bird, I had a profound insight. And here it is: what a bunch of lucky people we astrologers are. While everyone else is watching football or playing in the park or going to the cinema or hanging out in the pub, here we are learning from each other. I was fascinated when our American guests were frantically scribbling references that we lucky British astrologers had known about for years. We are sooooo lucky to have local astrology groups and enough journals and conferences to keep ourselves busy every weekend for the rest of our lives. I almost feel sorry for anyone who is not only a non-astrologer but also for those astrologers who don't live in Britain.

For example, I sat right behind Rob Hand. Smile Rob, I said and he obliged (by the way Rob was one of my FAS tutors for the Mundane section of the diploma). Of getting his PhD in his 60s, Rob said: "Now I got to live long enough to justify it!" Classic! Personally, I've always thought that Rob looks like Burl Ives or Santa Clause.

Next I witnessed Nick Campion and Rob having "a moment" as I made my way out the door. I couldn't quite ear wig enough to hear everything but they looked like they're up to something!

To celebrate being lucky, here's a little counterbalance, a Saturn in the 9th house joke: A man had a hobby of hitting lawyers with his car every time one happened to cross his path. The man sees a priest hitchhiking on the side of the road, so he picks him up and says: "Where to father?"

The priest replies, "The church, of course." On the way, the man sees a lawyer and swerves to hit him, he then remembers he has a priest in the car and tries to miss the lawyer but he still hears a thud.

The man says to the priest: "I'm sorry Father, I honestly tried to miss that lawyer."

The priest says "It's ok, I got him with the door."