Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Pluto square Uranus (for Ray Merriman), part 2

Well, we all know what Pluto rules: hell, sewers and all things decaying underground. And with a name like Ur-anus, perhaps you should know in advance that this is not the type of joke a kid will appreciate. No wait, I take it back. . . it's exactly the type of joke a kid would appreciate. It's the parents who might not want them to hear it. So if you're under, say, 18, it's time to look away. Also look away if you're of a sensitive nature--though as this aspect is currently in the sky, it's highly unlikely you'll be able to avoid getting offended no matter how much you try!

A man wakes up early one Saturday morning and says to his wife: "Woman, we're going fishing, whether you like it or not!"

The woman groans, rolls over and mumbles "The hell I am. I hate fishing."

"Look," the man says, "I'm tired of you griping about fishing. You're going fishing with me and the dog and that's that!"

The woman mumbles, "I am NOT going fishing."

The man says, "Oh yes you are. You are my WIFE. You will do what pleases me. And fishing pleases me. So you will come fishing with me."

"Look," the woman says, "I hate fishing. I do want to please you but not fishing. Can't we do something else that pleases you?" she adds saucily.

The man thinks for a moment. "OK," he says. "I'll give you a choice of three things that please me. You choose one and then I can never claim that you never do anything that pleases me."

The woman considers this for a minute and agrees.

"OK," says the man. "Here are your choices: 1) you come fishing with me and the dog, 2) you give me a blow job or 3) you take it up the ass. I'm going out to pack the car. When I come back, you give me your answer."

"Ugg! I don't want to do any of those! They're ALL disgusting!"
"I'm going out to pack the car," the man says again. "When I come back, you'd better have your answer!"
He leaves the room and she considers in each option in turn. None appeal. So she starts to think of which one would be worse and she thinks that up the ass would be the worst with fishing a close second. So with no other option, she decides on the blow job.
The husband returns and she smiles sweetly and says: "Darling, I'll go for the blow job."
He says, "Great!" and pulls his trousers down and gets himself into position.
"Yuk!" she says. "You smell all shitty!"
"Yes. That's right," says the husband, "The dog didn't want to go fishing either!"
(Sorry Ray but you should have known better!!)

Pluto square Uranus (for Ray Merriman), part 1

When I met up with Ray, he challenged me to come up with a joke for Pluto square Uranus. Funnily enough, my buddy Sue Farebrother has the exact same request, with the infamous words "Let's see you make a joke out of that"!

For more, check out part two!

Thursday, 21 August 2008

My kind of girl!

Bryony Shaw busts her butt to get a medal and during her post race interview (in floods of euphoric tears) she says: "It was such a hard race and I had such a hard week. It's the best thing in the world. I love my mum and dad so much, they are so supportive. And my boyfriend Greg. My coach Tom is such a legend. I am so f***ing happy."

I'm not one for superfluous obscenities but I do love and appreciate passion! Until yesterday I didn't even know who Bryony Shaw was but today, she's my hero!

(On the side, isn't it amazing--and quite indicative of today's culture--that we seem to have completely forgotten about the plight of the Dalai Lama?)

In honour of girls who swear, here's a very special joke, Mars cj Mercury with a Pluto transit in the 6th. If you're offended by swearing, then come back in a couple of days. . .

A lonely woman buys a parrot from a pet shop to keep her company. She puts the bird in its cage and converses with it daily in the hope it will hold up its end of the conversation. The bird doesn't speak. Although disappointed, the woman keeps trying.

One day, her old friend, a priest, stops to visit. The woman welcomes the priest in her home and introduces him to her parrot. The parrot takes one look at the priest and says "You goddamned, mother-fucking son of a bitch!"

Horrified, the woman takes the bird back to the pet shop and complains.

"I've had this bird for months!" she wails "And it never speaks. I have my first visitor--my old friend the priest--and it swears!"

"Relax," says the pet shop owner. "It happens all the time. You see, men always catch parrots. They throw jackets over the birds' head; maybe even give it a few taps to keep it quiet. So you see why the bird swears at men?"

"Yes but what can I do?"

"That's easy," said the shop owner. "You got to punish it. The next time it swears, reach inside the cage, grab a hold of its legs and swing it over your head. Cures the swearing."

Doubtful, the woman returns home. And the bird still doesn't speak. Months pass. Then her old friend, the priest, stops by. The parrot takes one look at the priest and says: "You goddamned, mother-fucking son of a bitch!" The woman reaches inside the cage, grabs a hold of the bird--just like the pet shop owner says--and swings it over her head.

The parrot says: "WooooooooooooWeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Feel the fucking breeze!"

Saturday, 16 August 2008

Another Happy Caturday

I was thinking that I should do something with my life then I remembered: ha! I'm on holiday! For the rest of the year (when these next two weeks are finished), I'll be planning, teaching, marking, handing out detentions, commuting, negotiating, pleading. . .you get the idea: it will be back to school before I know it.
But for now, it's just another happy Caturday with my two little mushies, Bubbles and Purrseus. And here's a delicious Mars in the 6th joke for content little pussies everywhere!
A little old lady with a kitty cat comes across a lamp and gives it a rub.
*poof* out comes a genie. The genie says:
"You have freed me and now I will grant you three wishes!"
"Oh!" exclaims the old lady, "I wish to be young and beautiful again!"
*poof* and she's young and beautiful again!
"Oh!" she says again, admiring her new found curves, "I wish to be rich!"
*poof* and she has loads of dosh at her feet.
"Oh!" she says, stroking her cat, "This tom cat has been my most faithful companion these past few lonely years. Make him into a handsome man so we can love each other for the rest of our young lives!"
*poof* And the cat sitting in her lap turns into a man who looks quite a bit like George Clooney. The pair kiss passionately.
The man says: "I'll bet you're sorry you had me fixed now aren't you?"

Thursday, 14 August 2008

OMG! Ray Merriman!

The picture's a bit blurry but yes that is Alex Trenoweth with Ray Merriman!! I have the very good fortune of coming from the same neighbourhood as Ray so had the double good fortune in being able to meet up with him on my recent vacation, I mean holiday. Ray worked his socks off for the United Astrology Conference and continues his hard work for ISAR (International Society for Astrological Research). I met Ray briefly at UAC but it was sheer pleasure to share a meal with him and get to know him better on our mutual turf. Ray put me through my biggest challenge yet with a request for a joke for Saturn cj Pluto cj the Moon in Leo! Does he actually know anyone with this particular combination? Coinicidentally (I actually hate that word), this was the joke--slightly modified to suit Ray's rather specific request--I told at the Faculty of Astrological Studies Students' Forum.
OK, at Ray's request. . .

A scorpion walks up to a crab and says: "Give us a lift on your back to the other side of this stream!"

The crab says: "No way! How dumb do you think I am? You'll sting me! And besides, you're perfectly capable of getting there yourself!"

The scorpion says, "I understand your concern but you see I've just had my hair done and I don't want to ruin it by getting it wet. I promise I won't sting you."

The crab considers this for a moment and being quite a caring, accommodating creature, agrees to give the scorpion a lift across the stream. They were nearly to the other side when the crab felt an excruciating pain--not in the back where she expected it but in the tender underbelly, a particularly vulnerable place she had thought no one else knew about. With her dying breath, the crab managed to gasp: "Why?"

The scorpion said: "Because I felt like it!

(Hey Ray, thanks for the lovely evening!)

A is for Alex

This is pure bragging but just look at my bowling score! 142! 6 spares, 1 strike and only two gutter balls! Usually I get 6 gutter balls, 2 spares and er, 1 strike per game. I don't know what got into me but that ball was going where I was aiming. Maybe it's some weird astrocartagraphy line that makes bowling more favourable for me in Michigan. Oh wait, the next game I was more true to form (no photos of that scoreboard). . .
It's a shame I couldn't attribute my phenomenal score to Ojibwa Corn Soup but it's more likely a result of my dinner consisting of a chilli dog with cheese washed down with Mountain Dew (I did take a photo of that for posterity)! BTW I tried to smuggle Mountain Dew out of the country but was busted out. It just about broke my heart when security threw the two cans I had intended on saving for a rainy day (would have come in handy yesterday) into the nearest trash can--OK rubbish bin. My vocabulary will return to normal soon and I'll be back to good old British synonyms.
Speaking of synonyms, I have a good old homonym (get a dictionary!) joke worthy of a Mars in the 9th with Mercury stationary:
One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Spot the difference

I was so exhausted by the end of the school year that I was genuinely concerned that I had worked myself into a serious illness. However, after a few days of rest, this concern proved itself foundless. Nevertheless, let's have a look at me before and after!

Left is a photo of me presenting my dissertation for the Sophia Centre. Gawd, what a dweeb! I worked bloody hard for my Master's degree and I did it whilst working full time and being a mother! So I reckon I was entitled to be a little tired!!

Now have a look at me on holiday, lol! As you know, I consider myself to be an astrological joke teller extraordinaire but Ray Merriman (more on him later!) didn't half put me through my paces! Uranus cj Pluto cj the Moon in Virgo in the 12th??? OK baby, you're on!
A boy comes home from school and asks: "Hey dad, what's the difference between theory and reality?"
Dad says: "Go ask your sister if she would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars."
The boy does this and answers the father in the affirmative.
The dad says: "Now ask your mother the same thing!"
The boy duly does this and returns with the same affirmative answer.
The boy says: "I don't get it!"
Dad says: "Theoretically, we are multi-millionaires. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts!"

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

On the Rez!

It was so good to finally be home on Saugeen Indian Reservation in Southampton Ontario! I stayed with my Aunt Liz and her husband Burt in their beautiful home near the shores of Sauble Beach (which my grandfather managed to acquire from the Canadian government). Left is a photo of my daughter and I playing on the beach. The water was a little choppy that day but we could still venture quite far before feeling battered by the waves. We had started the day with a swim, had a big breakfast (lasagne! woohoo!), then made ourselves wait a bit before heading back to the beach, where we stayed for the rest of the day.

Later that evening we had a fabulous meal with my cousin Angie. She made the delectable Indian Corn Soup which, to an Ojibwa, is better than Mother's milk. So good in fact that I asked my own mother to take a photo of me digging in! Note the delirious expression of extreme pleasure! What is Indian Corn Soup I hear you ask? It's made from corn that's been soaked in lye (yes LYE) so it pops. Then it's rinsed and rinsed and rinsed then rinsed some more. Then some special Ojibwa magic is added so it becomes this gorgeous soup. It had been a long time since I had Corn Soup (so good it deserves capital letters) but I hereby declare my cousin Angie to be the best cook in the world! To celebrate my cousin's devotion to Ojibwa cuisine, here's another special Ojibwa joke that can only be Mars in Taurus in the 2nd!
Two Ojibwas go to a hot food stand and order two hotdogs. As they walk away, one says to the other: "Which part of the dog did you get?"

How's that for an eclipse on one's Mercury?

Phew. . .

Well, I survived the plane journey back to England (there were a few dodgy moments on the plane which no one but me seemed bothered by!). I've seen loads of relatives and friends. Eaten way more than I should have. Spent time on the beach. Went to a pow wow and did some dancing. Visited Detroit Zoo. Saw Ray Merriman. I have to say that I'm already aching to go back. The thing I missed the most was being with my Ojibwa family--I've even committed myself to hitting the pow wow trail next summer (one of my lesser known talents is making beaded Indian jewellery). Over the next few days, I'm going to try to catch up a few posts but for now, be content with this nice photo of us dancing at the Black River Pow wow and one with me and my very good childhood friend and mentor Juanita (who remembered me as a joke teller)!
To celebrate having an eclipse on my Mercury, here is a very special Mercury in the 3rd, ruling the sixth Ojibwa joke straight from my Aunt Liz:
An Ojibwa and a Lakota dog are out and about. The Ojibwa dog strolls up to a tree, does his business and resumes frolicking with his Lakota friend. A few minutes later, the Ojibwa dog returns to the place, has a quick sniff then returns. They continue their play but then the Ojibwa dog abruptly stops and goes back to the very same spot. When he returns, the Lakota dog says: "What the hell are you doing?"
The Ojibwa dog says: "Just checking to see if there are any messages!"