Monday, 28 July 2008

On Vacation!

Pardon the delay. . .I'm in the US on vacation! Woohoo! (The picture to the left is of my lovely daughter Jessica in the Native American Indian outfit my sister used to wear--Jess is still a bit too small to wear mine.) The only problem is that I keep bumping into fat, bald, wrinkly old men. Then I realise I went to school with them!

I may be on holiday but my sense of humour isn't. To celebrate getting old, here's a Saturn in the 7th joke.

An old man and his woman are sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their sixtieth wedding anniversary. She touches his hand and says: "You know, after all these years, my nipples are still hot for you!"

The husband says: "They should be. One's in your coffee, the other's in your oatmeal!"

Monday, 14 July 2008

Steve Judd Concedes!

Well, it was a busy weekend at Bath Spa for the MA graduates! Not only was it a time to hear brilliant presentations (a-hem), it was a chance to catch up with old friends. . .and to get old friends to take the Alex Trenoweth "any aspect, any planet, any house" astrological joke challenge.

And guess what? Steve Judd, the world's hardest working astrologer, took up the challenge and had to concede defeat! Ha! And yes Steve, there were witnesses! (left is a photo of Steve at Rainbow Circle Astrology Camp).

In other news, Nick Campion gave yours truly a compliment! Good goddess, what is the world coming to when Steve Judd concedes and Nick Campion hands out compliments??

Lest either Nick or Steve get it into their heads otherwise, let me publicly declare that my academic heart still belongs to Patrick Curry! In honour of Patrick Curry (an ex pat like me), Steve Judd admitting defeat, and Nick Campion finally saying nice things about me, here's a little Pluto conjunct Mars in the 11th house joke.

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.

"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.

"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

Friday, 11 July 2008

3rd Post Graduate Research Conference

"Taking the Devil by the Horns: Lucifer's journey from Morning Star to Arch-demon and back again"

On Sunday, I will be reading an abstract from my MA dissertation from the Cultural Astronomy and Astrology course at Bath Spa.

Essentially, I will be arguing that the story of Lucifer is a result of a mistranslation by St Jerome and a myth perpetuated by later authors. I'll also be talking about goats, pentagrams and winged deities, by products of the Lucifer myth.
Since I'm de-mystifying Lucifer, I thought I should thrown in a satan (who isn't who we think he is either) joke. But you'll have to come to my talk to fully understand. . .
Pluto conjunct Neptune

Two satans meet one day. The first satan says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender missionary, I’ve baked them, I have roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. I just can’t seem to get them tender.”
The second satan asks, “What kind of missionary do you use?”
The other replies, “You know, the ones that hang out at the place at the bend of the lake.They have those brown cloaks with a funny ring of hair on their heads.”
“Aha!” the second satan replies. “No wonder – those are friars!”

Saturday, 5 July 2008

Happy Caturday

Venus in the 6th. . .with a Jupiter transit

Friday, 4 July 2008

Helen Clark: Oopsie

The Metro has reported that Helen Clark, former MP of Petersborough, was filmed ranting and raving whilst seemingly blind drunk.


We’re used to young people acting like fools on too much of the brew but to have an adult in a position of responsibility ranting like an idiot? It’s embarrassing enough for a normal person (and I use that term loosely) to be seen in such a state but to be a politician and to have it recorded on youtube seems to be most unfortunate.

So unfortunate that I couldn’t resist but have a little peek at her chart.

According to her Wikipedia entry, Helen Clark was born 23 December 1954 in Derby. A quick head calculation will tell you she’s going to have transit Pluto problems—and sure enough, with Pluto’s current position at 29 degrees, 30 minutes Sagittarius, the Lord of the Underworld does his stake in the heart routine all over her natal Sun/Mercury conjunction. Anything Helen hopes to be buried and forgotten is likely to resurrect its spiky little head at every embarrassing opportunity. If she goes through with her threat of suing youtube and Goddess-knows-who-else, it will only call attention to her shenanigans and cause more embarrassment. It’s enough to evoke images of Hercules and his battle with the deadly Hydra, a terrifying multi-headed beast.

In the myth, Hercules was assigned the task of killing the Hydra. His mentor advised him, “We rise by kneeling. We conquer by surrendering. We gain by giving up.” Hercules paid no mind and went in to fight the Hydra with sword a-blazing. Every time he cut off a head, it was replaced by three more heads, each one more vicious than its predecessor. Eventually, Hercules got the idea of what his mentor had advised him. Kneeling in its slime, Hercules raised the Hydra to where the sun shone in the cave and it withered and died. Where there’s Pluto, there’s treasure: after its death, the Hydra was replaced by a valuable jewel. And that’s the beauty of a Pluto transit. . .

Rather than calling more attention to this dreadful predicament, Helen should maybe face her demons and be seen to do something about it.

In honour of politicians, seemingly irredeemable situations and last second resurrections, here’s my Jupiter in 12th inconjunct Mars in 7th (with a Pluto transit) joke.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.
After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food. After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him." "No problem," says the barman. "He's upstairs with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man. "Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Enid Williams: Rock Astrologer

Not only did I bump into Shelley von Strunckel the other night at the Astrological Lodge of London, I also caught up with my friend, rock goddess and astrologer, Enid Williams, who is in the heavy metal band, Girlschool. Enid was worried about taking a bad photo. Ha! As if! Here's Enid's my space link! You have got to see this chick do her guitar thing!

In honour of my favourite rock astrologer (OK, she's the only rock astrologer I know of but she is MEGA cool), here's my very flattering Sun cj Neptune with a Jupiter transit in the 7th joke.

A guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he'd like a scotch before he goes home. The player says 'sure' and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute.
From nowhere a little voice says, "Great gig man, you're one hot picker."
The player looks at the barman and says, "Thanks."
The barman says, "What for?"
The player says, "For sayin' nice things about my work."
The barman says, "I didn't say nothing."
The guitarist thinks it's late and he's a bit spaced so he'd better head off when another little voice says: "Yeah, great licks, man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there."
The guitar player turns around and says, "Thanks," but there's nobody there.
The feller at the bar says, "Are you ok?" because the picker looks a bit pale.
The guitarist says, "Yeah, I think so."
Then, as he empties his glass another voice says, "Hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you!"
The guitarist says, 'OK! THAT'S IT! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?'
The barman runs down and says, "What's your problem dude?"
"What voices? What are they saying?"
When the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says: "Oh that'll be the peanuts, man. They're complimentary!"

Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Alex Trenoweth's guide to annoying star signs

OK, anyone who knows me knows how I feel about star signs (equivalent to a priest selling fake holy water). But yesterday, I met the only astrologer in the world with a cooler surname than me, Shelley von Strunckel . (And do you see what I mean about me never being able to manage to look glamourous?) Shelley encouraged astrologers to be more generous to other astrologers and to stop trying to out do each other. Inspired, I decided to offer the proverbial olive branch to my friends who write the newspaper astrology columns.
In case you haven't figured it out, the jokes in this blog are a collection rather than my own intellectual material (I keep waiting to find a threat for legal action in the comments: you know: "that's my joke, you astrologer, you."). However, this guide is my work so if you're going to quote it, make sure you attribute it to me, okay? On second thought, don't tell ANYONE I did a star sign guide. (Thanks for a fab talk, Shelley--and it was lovely to meet you!)
Alex Trenoweth's guide to annoying star signs

Aries: Make them wait in a long queue that doesn’t seem to be moving
Taurus: Move their furniture around--just a little bit. Eat in front of them without offering them anything. Make sure you finish every crumb.
Gemini: Don’t speak to them or don’t give them the chance to speak at all. Make sure you immobilise their hands too.
Cancer: Insult their mothers, their country or their offspring. Deny them all dairy products. Especially cheese (all right, that would get on MY nerves)
Leo: Hide their hair gel/hair brush, then take away their mirrors
Virgo: Eat something that makes your fingers sticky then shake their hand. Make sure there's no running water/soap/hand wipes first.
Libra: Let them know they’re not invited to your party. Make a big point of handing out the invitations in front of them.
Scorpio: Return their “evil” glare without a flinch, expose their secret plans, act as if you're not morally offended at their double entendres.
Sagittarius: Tie them up. Gag them and don’t let them exercise their right to freedom of speech. Hide their passport.
Capricorn: Put everyone to work, then make sure everyone gets a pay rise and promotion except them. Tell them they're lazy and will never amount to anything.
Aquarius: Deny them the opportunity to do group work, make them wear a business suit with the tie done all the way to the top. Ensure they blend in with the crowd.
Pisces: Give them all the alcohol they can drink then give them a map and tell them to find their own way home.
And Jules and Kim: You know. . .