Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Alex Trenoweth's guide to annoying star signs

OK, anyone who knows me knows how I feel about star signs (equivalent to a priest selling fake holy water). But yesterday, I met the only astrologer in the world with a cooler surname than me, Shelley von Strunckel . (And do you see what I mean about me never being able to manage to look glamourous?) Shelley encouraged astrologers to be more generous to other astrologers and to stop trying to out do each other. Inspired, I decided to offer the proverbial olive branch to my friends who write the newspaper astrology columns.
In case you haven't figured it out, the jokes in this blog are a collection rather than my own intellectual material (I keep waiting to find a threat for legal action in the comments: you know: "that's my joke, you astrologer, you."). However, this guide is my work so if you're going to quote it, make sure you attribute it to me, okay? On second thought, don't tell ANYONE I did a star sign guide. (Thanks for a fab talk, Shelley--and it was lovely to meet you!)
Alex Trenoweth's guide to annoying star signs

Aries: Make them wait in a long queue that doesn’t seem to be moving
Taurus: Move their furniture around--just a little bit. Eat in front of them without offering them anything. Make sure you finish every crumb.
Gemini: Don’t speak to them or don’t give them the chance to speak at all. Make sure you immobilise their hands too.
Cancer: Insult their mothers, their country or their offspring. Deny them all dairy products. Especially cheese (all right, that would get on MY nerves)
Leo: Hide their hair gel/hair brush, then take away their mirrors
Virgo: Eat something that makes your fingers sticky then shake their hand. Make sure there's no running water/soap/hand wipes first.
Libra: Let them know they’re not invited to your party. Make a big point of handing out the invitations in front of them.
Scorpio: Return their “evil” glare without a flinch, expose their secret plans, act as if you're not morally offended at their double entendres.
Sagittarius: Tie them up. Gag them and don’t let them exercise their right to freedom of speech. Hide their passport.
Capricorn: Put everyone to work, then make sure everyone gets a pay rise and promotion except them. Tell them they're lazy and will never amount to anything.
Aquarius: Deny them the opportunity to do group work, make them wear a business suit with the tie done all the way to the top. Ensure they blend in with the crowd.
Pisces: Give them all the alcohol they can drink then give them a map and tell them to find their own way home.
And Jules and Kim: You know. . .

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