Thursday, 2 June 2016

12 Pizzas for 12 Signs of the Zodiac (by an astrologer)

So yesterday I was having a bit of a carp because I get tired of repeating the same things over and over again to Muggles (even though I love them really--they're just so cute and ignorant, I mean innocent) and today my attention was drawn to Buzzfeed's article "What's Your Zodiac Sign's Pizza Topping?".  I love astrology humour and I get all that tongue-in-cheek banter about what Aries are like in bed (fast) or what a Cancerian does after sex (orders pizza) but this Buzzfeed article really set me off because IT IS SO GODDAMN LAME. What? I can can tell an astrologer didn't put this together because it doesn't make any sense at all.

So I decided to take on Buzzfeed--just because the cheap bastards should be hiring REAL astrologers to do their astrology topics, not some muggle (bless their little septic, I mean sceptic hearts).

So imagine this: someone calls up Buzzfeed and asks for the "Aries Pizza". And Buzzfeed sends them . . . a pizza with olives? What? Are they bloody serious? What do OLIVES have to do with ARIES??

Anyway, I couldn't let this happen.

So here's my version of 12 Zodiac Sign's Pizza Topping:

An Aries rings up an astrologer and asks for the "Aries Pizza". The astrologer knows Aries is ruled by Mars which is, according to Ptolemy, DRY and HOT. So chillies and spicy meats are appropriate. And according to William Lilly, garlic is the plant associated with Mars. As the metal Iron is ruled by Mars, there has to be a source of the mineral Iron on the pizza--so it has to have spinach. Aries is a cardinal sign so it's fast and doesn't want to be chewing on a thick crust for hours so the crust has to be thin and crispy.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

So here is my Pizza for an Aries (above). . .

Now Taurus. . .Buzzfeed says "pepperoni" (lazy bastards).

Alex the Astrologer says: Taurus is ruled by Venus but the rustic, au naturel  kind of Venus (compare to Libra) so the pizza needs to have a bit of the organic going for it with a crust like, um, wood.  Now Venus does rule olives so it has to have that. And mushrooms with the dirt still on because, um, Taurus is an earth sign. With Taurus, there has to be a pudding to satisfy that sweet tooth and as Venus rules apples and almonds, well you'll see. Taurus also likes the fine things in life so for a drink, it has to be Courvoisier. Oh the menu for Taurus is green because Venus rules copper and I couldn't think of any foods that have copper in them, lol.

Gemini. . .Buzzfeed says "extra cheese". Really? A Gemini wants to be chewing on extra cheese?

Alex the astrologer says: Gemini is ruled by Mercury so there has to be a bit a seafood on the pizza (a sad but true reflection of the Mercury contamination in our fish supply). The crust must be very light as our Gemini friends have more important things to do with their mouth besides chew. Gemini is a double-bodied sign so their pizza must be half and half. Oh and they like variety.

Cancer. . . Buzzfeed says "peppers". WTF? 
Alex the Astrologer says: Cancer is ruled by the Moon so the pizza has to evoke memories of the past. Cancerians get dibs on the quiet corner of the restaurant if they can't eat their pizza in bed. They must have milk products. . .oh and rosemary is a noted aid for improving the memory. Plants that grow quickly near water are Moon ruled so mushrooms are a good choice. Would be nice if the setting could be silver.

Leos. . .Buzzfeed says "Pineapple and Ham".
Alex the Astrologer says: Good god, how common!! The portions must be generous of course and the setting should be gold. Although Leo is a Fire sign, they don't like the spicy stuff so much because it makes them sweat and messes up their hair. Of course Leos like opulence so the menu must reflect that. And speaking of reflections--Leos like theirs so the pizza comes with a mirror so they can admire themselves whilst quaffing champagne.

Virgos. . .Buzzfeed says "Meat Lover's".

Alex the Astrologer says: Well good luck to whoever is going to serve THAT to health conscious Virgos. All I can say is I'm not making their pizza!

Libras. . . Buzzfeed says "Veggies"
Alex the Astrologer says: *facepalm
Getting a Libran to eat their veggies is like getting a Virgo to eat Spam. Libra is Venus-ruled but unlike Taureans, they like the fluffy, sweet stuff. Like roses (Venus ruled). So cotton candy (candy floss to you Brits) with a nice sweet gentle cheese would put a smile on the sappy face of a Libra. Of course Libra is the sign of balance so the serving staff need to pay attention to balancing the portions.
Scorpio. . .Buzzfeed says "Sausage"
Alex the Astrologer says: Well it's not a bad choice although I'm not entirely certain what Scorpios will be doing with those sausages. A far better choice would be a bit of blood and guts so black pudding sauce (which is made of cows blood--or is it pigs'  blood?). Fugu, also known as pufferfish, has to be prepared very carefully as it is the most lethal substance on the planet (or something like that) so it is appropriate. It also sounds like "Fuck you" so has extra appeal.  The choice of Chianti is a reference to "Silence of the Lambs". Scorpios have the life or death thing! So intense! Oh and Scorpios hate waste hence the recycled crust.
Sagittarius. . .Buzzfeed says: "Mushrooms"
Alex the astrologer says: You have GOT to be kidding me, right? Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter so think big and extravagant. Think heart attack on a plate! Jupiter rules foreign places so springbok is something quite unusual to British and/or American palates. I thought grubs might work too as I don't know anyone who has eaten any of those (although I understand they taste like scrambled eggs). Ah. . .and Jupiter rules religion too, hence the Communion wine.

Capricorn. . .Buzzfeed says: "Buffalo chicken"
Alex the Astrology says:  Capricorn is Saturn ruled so it's hard to imagine a Capricorn paying for a luxury topping like buffalo chicken. Of course they would have it (as well as several G and Ts) if they could claim it on their expense budget. Capricorns are frugal--especially if they are paying the bill.
Aquarius. . .Buzzfeed says: "Onion"
This is so supremely stupid and non astrological I don't think I'll ever recover. This is why Muggles should not be doing a job meant for astrologers. On a more positive note, this is the photo that unleashed a fury in me that had all my astrology friends laughing and cheering in support. So there's always a silver lining. . .

Alex the astrologer says: OMG. Aquarians are the least sensitive and empathetic sign!! But they they  do see the world a little differently! They are also known for being quite experimental and for their dislike of playing by the rules. Oh and they love technology.
Finally, our Neptune-ruled Piscean friends! Buzzfeed says: "Anchovies"
Alex the Astrologer says: Not a bad choice as Neptune was the god of the sea. However, I think our Piscean friends have more important things on their mind!

About the Astrologer

Alex Trenoweth was voted Best International Astrologer, 2015 for her dynamic presentation on Astrology and Education. Her book, "Growing Pains" is an exciting development in astrology as it combines classroom teaching experience, sound research and the potential to have a positive impact on struggling adolescents, parents, teachers and those who have been labelled "at risk". For queries, consultations or syndications, please contact Alex via or leave a message in the comment section.

About the New Book

There are two dogs fighting inside of me, the old story goes, one dog is good and the other is evil. “But Grandfather,” asked the child, “Which one wins?” The Grandfather answered, “The dog I feed.”

We might like to think that being good is a natural instinct. In fact, doing the right thing takes a conscious decision. Every day, we are met with temptation to get ahead at the expense of someone else, to get away with something we know is wrong or to cut corners if we think no one is watching.

Following on from her powerful book on astrology and Education, “Growing Pains”, Alex Trenoweth explores the benefits of using “the bad guy” of the solar system: Saturn. Often avoided and seldom understood, if we understand our own Saturn then we can help others to understand theirs. Using case studies of  highly successful people contrasted with convicted serial killers, Trenoweth deftly demonstrates the dire consequences of feeding the wrong dog.


Anonymous said...

Love it. And you got my Pisces soul spot on - see you in the bar!

Alex Trenoweth said...

Thank you so much!! Pisces was my favourite (although Virgo was pretty funny too) ;)