Still swearin'

Something tells me I shouldn't be swearing so much. . .so I told that little voice to shut the fuck up. I'm back at school, after all. The kids swear way more than I do! To celebrate bad little words, here's my very special Jupiter in the 8th, ruling the 7th joke. . .

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman.

"Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh. A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un fucking-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum,tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls,but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman’s husband Dave comes home.

"In fucking-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes,but the same old clients ..... How ya doin', Dave?"

Cleaning up the underworld

I couldn't decide whether to sing sexy sexagenarian Harrison Ford's praises or blow cyber raspberries at Boris Johnson for "banning" alcohol on public transport. So I thought, in true Gemini-rising style, I'd do both.

Goddamn, that Harrison Ford is one hot old man. He's sixty-six this year? Blimey. Why am I on about Harrison? I went to see the Indiana Jones flick last night with my own sexy sexagenarian (well, I do have Capricorn one the 8th house cusp). A lot of these sexy sexagenarian's were born during the Saturn/Pluto conjunction of 1946 (actually Harrison was born a few years before so strictly speaking he doesn't count--however, he does have Pluto transiting his progressed Moon) which means that their second Saturn return would trigger that smouldering sensuality of Pluto in Leo. Think Steven Tyler of Aerosmith and Mick Jagger. Oh and for the boys, Susan Sarandon.

Boris Johnson has just banned drinking alcohol on public transport. Oh yeah right, that'll work. Who's going to enforce that one? Transport police? They can't even stop mobs of teenagers rampaging through the aisles emancipating everyone of their wallets and electronic goodies. I would suggest we should ban stupid hairstyles on men but half the male astrologers would be in the clink and we have so few as it is.

OK, in honour of today's sexy sexagenarians and stupid ideas from our new mayor of London that will never work, a special, triple conjunction joke appropriate for a Sunday.

Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune cj in the 9th house

Billy was a painter and alcoholic who was down on his luck. One day, the local vicar offered to pay him for repainting the local cathedral but because of his unreliability, would only pay after the job was finished. So Billy checked his inventory and after a few quick calculations, realised he would be quite short of paint. Not one to be easily discouraged, he mixed the good paint with some turps and got to work. When he finished, everyone was very impressed. The new paint job was just what was needed. So the vicar paid Billy and Billy went out to buy a few cans of Stella to celebrate. On the way back, Billy decided he would have a final look at his mighty fine work. To his surprise, a crowd had also gathered to join in admiration. Just then, clouds began to gather and very soon, it began to rain. It didn't take long for the crowd to notice that Billy's paint was washing away. The crowd turned on poor Billy and just as they were about to burn him at the stake, Billy cried out to God for help.

"I am so sorry, God! Please help me!" he hollered. Suddenly, there was a mighty crack of lightning and from the sky, a terrifying finger of flame emerged pointing straight a Billy. Simultaneously, the ropes that bound him, burned away.

"Now go," a voiced boomed, "re-paint and thin no more."