My New Theory

I have a new theory on crop circles which I will be unveiling shortly. In the meantime, please enjoy a very special Mercury conjunct Jupiter distraction:

Hermitage

Well, with Saturn square my Venus this summer you'll have to forgive me for being a little aloof. I've had a good few week to think some things over and to make some decisions. After a very hard school year I have decided that:
1) The days of me running around 11 different classrooms are a thing of the past. I will never do that again. This September, it would appear I will have my own classroom. As far as I am concerned, this means I will ALWAYS have my own classroom. At my school, I have the most seniority and therefore I will not be engaging in the game of "make the newbies happy". I had to work hard for about four years before I could enjoy the very few benefits of being an experienced teacher. I was told my suffering would make me a better teacher and so I think the newbies will also benefit from the experience of teaching every lesson in a different classroom.
2) I have a life outside a classroom. That's right. I'm imposing boundaries. My day finishes at 4:30, every day. No more moon lighting for me!!! Dinner and then The Simpsons every night!!
3) With all this "free time" I need a new schedule to allow time to do the things I enjoy. Like astrology. Like playing my trumpet in the South London Jazz Orchestra. Like writing fiction.
Here's a photo of me enjoying life. It's taken at the top of Glastonbury Tor during a recent, much needed holiday. . .
And another thing. . .
Just when I was thinking that telling naughty jokes on my blog was bad for my extremely serious reputation, my very good friend Mike Edwards (more about him later)
reminded me that all good astrologers should remember that, if we want a bit of attention, the astrology world is not the place to search for it!!
In honour of making a few changes, here's a little message for anyone who thinks they will be able to mess with me this academic year. Let's call it Saturn cj Mercury in the eighth:
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Almost there. . .

It's my favourite time of year. . .only a few more days of school!!

In honour of happy endings, here's a very special Mars cj Pluto in the 8th house joke:

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, St Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line and St Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," he said, "I'm standing naked inside a refrigerator. . ."

Well, it's hard to beat walking on hot coals. . .

But I'm going to try!
I'M GOING TO SEE WYNTON MARSALIS TONIGHT!!! OMG OMG OMG!!!
I love Wynton.
Sorry, I guess you have to be a trumpet player to truly appreciate his triple tonguing, his bright, clear tone and his versatility.
I love Wynton.
Oops I'm repeating myself.
In other news, I went to the Sunrise festival a few weeks back and I helped my buddy John Wadsworth with his phenomenal Zodiac Temple. John has been working with experiential astrology for some time now. It was such a privilige to work with a fantastic group of young astrologers. It always warms the cockles of my heart to be with astrologers who like to play with astrology via drama, dance and music. John has been an inspiration with his fabulous choices of music for planets ("Walking on Sunshine" for Mercury in Leo, John?). If you would like to experience John's work, click here for more info on his Alchemical Journey workshops.
As the England team are fluffing about on the field, here's a little comic to remind you of a few more important things in life. I'll simply call it a Saturn funny (bet you didn't know he had a sense of humour!):

Firewalking

30th April 2010, Glastonbury, 10 pm, and I’m looking at the bed of glowing coals in front of me. We had spent the day watching huge piles of wood being reduced to these fiery embers and now it was my turn to walk across them in bare feet. Earlier in the day I had wished my bemused teaching colleagues a happy May Day and then left the school to walk on hot coals. They had come to expect strange things from me.

I look again at the shimmering, sparkling coals in front of me, so hot I know they would burn a hole in my hand if I were to pick

them up. I can't imagine the agony if I were to be burned on the bottom of my feet and my fear makes me take a step back to let another walker go ahead of me. I watch as her feet turn to a glowing orange and her steps kick up fire: she has become a Firewalker. And whilst I remain a petrified watcher, I cannot join her in this achievement. This moment is about overcoming fear, brushing away life’s cobwebs and affirming what one can do in life. 

Symbolically I felt this fiery ground represented the threshold from fear to faith. It was a journey I felt compelled to do for reasons that had completely escaped me as I stared at what could only be described as Hellish. 

And what the Hell was I doing taking such a crazy risk? Transiting Pluto opposed my natal Mars--it was such a perfect transit for the paralysis that had overcome me at that moment. And it would be ideal symbol of spending several weeks in wheelchair with badges on my feet if I got burned.

The Moon that night was in Sagittarius conjunct Antares, the baleful Heart of the Scorpion and it was in trine to Mars in fiery Leo which was in turn conjunct my natal Mercury. I looked up at the Moon and remembered She opposed Venus along the ascendent/descendent axis of my natal chart. I felt the heavens were calling on me, as a women, to embrace the boldness of The Masculine.

It was time to step into the fire or step into the shadows forever. I locked my mind in the Faith of divine goodness and walked on the fire in front of me. And at the end of Hell, there was no pain or scars to remind me of my journey. I was a Phoenix.

Just to prove to myself I could do it, I did it a second time.

This was not the end of the the extraordinary weekend.

The next day was May Day, 1st of May and it would be a day that I danced with the Green Man, sang with the Devil, drank beer with the May Queen - and walked up Glastonbury Tor to watch children dance around the May Pole and clap as Morris Dancers pranced about with their sticks and hankies: where I had embraced the masculine the night before, they were embracing the feminine. At least that was how I saw it.

Of course all magic has to end (so I thought) and as I boarded the bus to leave Glastonbury and return to the real world, I wondered

how I could bring the magic back. The bus journey gave me a chance to  reflect on my life's journey. I had come a long way from the divorced, nearly bankrupt woman with 3 children and no job. I had just moved into my new house with my new partner, I had a coveted Master's degree and a secure job in teaching and was enjoying a completely different life--one I had not dared to believe could actually happen.

These details were far too personal to share with my pupils. I guarded my private life carefully. Even as I turned the key to enter

my own home, I still did not have a clue as to how I could share my extraordinary experience. I was the kind of teacher who liked to know what she was going to do well in advance.

The next morning when I got to school, I saw that I had chosen the word "Euphoria" as the theme for the week. It had been chosen weeks before but what better word to describe how I was feeling? I asked my colleagues to share some of their more adventurous experiences such as running marathons or jumping out of planes and I used them in the assembly I had to lead. Then I showed the

pupils the photo of me walking on hot goals. There was an audible gasp from the otherwise unimpressed group of fourteen year olds.

‘Miss, you’re really a sick Gangsta!’ one pupil shouted out.

But that night of fire walking was not about me but rather what I could do--and if I could do it, I wanted my pupils to know they could also do extraordinary things (but please not fire walk when I'm on duty).

This past May bank holiday 2016, gave me an opportunity to remember Firewalking. I hadn't noticed on the night but transit Saturn had opposed my natal Saturn. And if you're familiar with my Growing Pains work, then you know how significant I think Saturn oppositions are. This week transiting retrograde Saturn has been squaring my natal Uranus/Pluto conjunction and my Progressed Sun and Mercury. And I just been feeling things have ground to a complete halt (I also note Saturn was retrograde in the event chart too!). I should have been preparing for my move to India but I was spending this time untangling myself from a long term relationship, raising a bit of cash to fund a long year of travelling ahead and finding my own voice. Indeed, this article had originally been written by my partner. It has been an empowering experience to go through it and change his words to mine. I cannot even say why I let him do this as this story has been the only one I had let someone else write.

I lost my friend Jonathan Cainer a few days ago. He was more than just an astrologer to me and I am grateful I have not had to grieve alone. As a group of mutual friends gathered on the first sunset of Jon's passing, we shared our stories about him. I remarked that he was like Jupiter with a gravitational force that was impossible to escape. And as I wrote my tribute for him for the Astrological Journal, I was reminded that Jon had been a huge part of the process of transforming a bit of space junk into someone who had achieved things far beyond the limitations of her wishes. It was Jon who told me that I needed to be in a classroom and I am just humbled by the mechanics of Saturn transits that I started my PGCE in October 2002 as Saturn was in a waxing square to its natal position in my chart, that another square from that point I was Firewalking and with any bit of luck, at the next square at the end of 2017, I'll be doing something even more spectacular. 

But I now see it is time for me to get to grips with letting go of my life here in London. For a few weeks I had been just marking time. But now I am finally moving forward.

Hot Alex

For May Day weekend, I made my way to Glastonbury to--wait for it--walk on hot coals. It just seemed like such a primeval thing to do--and very appropriate for Beltane. Anyway, here's what it looked like before the fire:

Here it is burning:

Here is the path, ready for walking:

And me:


If you'd like to go firewalking, I highly recommend that you contact my friends Max and Lisa at:
Wizard Well Being

And now, in honour of Beltane a little Mars conjunct Saturn in 8th house joke:
A man goes to a doctor and is interviewed by a female consultant.
"What's the problem?" she asks.
"I can't tell you," he said.
"Why not?"
"Oh, you'll just laugh like everyone else."
"Look," she says, "I'm a professional. I've seen everything and in my 20 years in the medical profession, I have never laughed."
"OK," the man says, pulling down his trousers and pants. He turned to the nurse, revealing the smallest penis she had ever seen. It was about the size of a AAA battery. The female consultant felt the corners of her mouth twitch, then she completely lost control. She threw her head back and roared with laughter.
"I'm so sorry!" she said between guffaws. "I don't know what came over me. What's the problem?"
He said: "It's swollen!"

Hawkwind!

Blogger has given me an unbelievable amount of grief but I'm back!

For the first time ever, I even managed to complete 2 Astrology Quarterlies. I am so pleased with myself.

I'm also doing another MA and in the throes of finishing my first paper. Why another MA? Because my education hasn't put me in enough debt! Not really. My school asked if I wanted to do and MA in education if they paid for it and I said "yes please!".
So what else is new?

Well, I now have red hair (the greys were freaking me out) and I've just managed to choke down a dose of Chinese medicine. I've also found some very nice photos taken at the Big Green Gathering a few years ago of the band Hawkwind! What a group!





We were just standing around in this hot old marquee and suddenly, everyone was on their feet dancing! It was such a great moment of letting the music take over one's mind, body and spirit.

Of course, it can't be like that all the time and we have to do a bit more concentrating. So, if I have to return to work (because I wasn't smart enough to go to the US for spring break), you, gentle reader, can put up with a little saturn in the 3rd house joke!

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved
off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Best pun ever

In honour of Neptune transiting my Natal Venus, a little Gandhi joke.

Gandhi never wore shoes and as a result, he had quite awful bunions. As an enlightened guru, he also didn't eat much and his body was frequently weakened from hunger. Because his digestion often played up, he sufferened from (or rather others suffered from) very bad breath. So, in short, Gandhi was a super-calloused, fragile, mystic, hexed by haliotosis!

Sink or Swim

Arrrggghhhh!

What a month at school: Saturday tuitions, Parents' Evenings, Options Evenings, a lesson observation, APP folders (don't ask what APP means--boring teacher lingo) and I'm doing FAS exams and an MA in education (because I just don't have enough post graduate certificates that I've gone into debt for to admire).

Oh and the Q is due. . .

As they say, sink or swim.

*blowing up water wings*

The last time I felt so pressurised was when I was doing the dissertation for the MA in CAA. Which reminds me. . .

Above is a picture of us Sophia Centre graduates sharing a meal at UAC in Denver: There's Mary, Brook, Nick Campion, Branka, James, Chris, me and Alice. Don't we look sweet and innocent?

In honour of the time honoured tradition of "when it rains, it pours" so you might as well make a little dance of it, here's a very special Neptune cj Mars in the 12th house joke for over achievers everywhere:

Two eskimos are in a kayak. They get cold and so decide to light a fire. Of course, the kayak sinks. So you see, this really does prove you can't have your kayak and heat it too. . .

Club of 27

Whilst sorting through some files on my computer, I came across this one of us from "The Club of 27". That's Neil Spencer, John Etherington, Andrew Morton, Nick and me. This seems like such a long time ago! Anyway, shortly afterwards, we were featured in Astrologus, the Serbian astrology magazine. Here we are admiring ourselves (I think Andrew looks like a very contented cat!):

Speaking of cats, my cat, Mr Bubbles is doing a lot better. He's putting on weight and is back to demanding that we stroke him and spoil him.

Anyway, as you undoubtedly know, the Club of 27 is about those who have left this earth at the tender age of 27: Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Brian Jones, Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix.

In honour of the dearly departed but not forgotten here's a very special Pluto in the 8th house joke:

A vulture gets on a plane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant says: "Sorry sir, only 1 carrion item allowed."

Poor Bubbles!

My darling furry boy kept throwing up and stopped eating a couple of weeks ago so I took him to the vet. His brother Perseus was also sick but was recovering. The vet gave the boys some shots and sent us on our way with some antibiotics. Poor Bubbles kept getting sicker and sicker and skinnier and skinnier! So I took him back to the vet--who couldn't find anything wrong. As Bubbles wasn't eating, he had to go on a drip (see the poor thing, above).

Well, one day, the vet saw loads of cotton thread coming out of Bubbles' little butt and figured it was time to operate! After a four hour operation (which the vet didn't think he'd survive), Bubbles had an awful lot of cottom untangled from his intestines. The vet showed me the thread--and I recognised it from my sewing kit which is zipped up and out of kitty cat sight. Or so I thought. When I got home, I checked--and there was a completely empty spool of the thread I used to sew buttons on my daughter's school uniform!

Arrrrggggggg! Anyway, Bubbles did survive. Here's an updated photo:

He's still as skinny as a mink but he's slowly putting weight back on. He has a big old scar on his stomach so now we call him "Franken-Bubbles".

It's amazing how stressed out we get over our pets!

In (dis)honour of string, here's a little Neptune in the sixth house joke for sick kitties:

A piece of string goes into the bar and yells: "Oi!! Barman! Give me a drink!" The barman picks up the string and throws him into the street.

Thirsty, the string sits down to think of what he's going to do to get a drink. Suddenly, he comes up with a cunning plan. he's going to disguise himself! So he contorts himself into a completely
different shape and frizzes his hair into an afro. He goes back into the bar, hops up on the barstool and smiles sweetly at the bartender.

The bartender says: "You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago!"

The string says: "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

Alex and Ronnie Wood!!

So there I was in Belsize Park, enjoying a curry!! Who should walk in but Ronnie Wood!!

I can't get no satisfaction!! (do pardon the double negative!)

Arrrragggggg!!!!

Of course, he would have to drop in on the very day that I spent the previous 12 hours scraping wallpaper!!

In honour of nice guys (and Ronnie was SO nice, he smiled at my daughter for loudly asking: "Who is Ronnie Wood??"), here's a Saturn-Neptune conjunction in the 6th house joke!!

A frog goes into a bank to ask for a loan for 30,000 pounds. He approaches the teller and can see from the name plate that her name is "Patricia Whack."

"Miss Whack," he says, "I need a loan to go on a much needed holiday."

She stops shuffling her paper pointlessly, stands up and looks down at the frog at the counter. "You're a FROG!" she says. "We don't give loans to dumb animals."

"Look," says the frog, "I know people. My name is Kermit Jagger."

The teller stares at the frog.

"You know," says the frog, "JAGGER. Mick JAGGER is me dad!"

"Oh yeah right," says Patricia Whack, "So what do you have for collateral then?"

The frog pulls out a one inch porcelain pink elephant from his pocket. "Don't forget," he warns her, "I know people."

Playing along, Patricia consults her boss.

"There's a frog out there called Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow 30,oo0 pounds for a holiday,"she tells him, "Oh and he want to use this," she holds up the little pink elephant, "as collateral!"

To her surprise, the bank manager gasps and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!"

PS, thanks Jess for taking the photo!!

Llama Dreams

I finally sent my novel "Llama Dreams" off to the Amazon Breakthrough Novelist Competition. Woohoo!!

Fingers crossed Transist Uranus conjunct my P. Moon will give me the shock I need!!

In honour of shocks, here's a special Uranus crossing the ascendant joke for llama lover everywhere:

A man boards a train and takes a seat opposite to a woman holding a small baby. As the train moves out of the station, he picks up his newspaper to read it. However, it isn't too long before he is completely distracted by the baby. He smiles at the baby and tries to return to the paper but every time he finds something he wants to read, the baby catches his attention. Before long, the man is laughing. He puts his paper down and says to the young mother: "Bar none, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!" and he laughs some more.

The poor mother, however, bursts into tears.

After a few minutes, the man starts to feel bad and he gets up and goes to the buffet car, returning with a cup of tea and a banana.

He holds these out to the mother and says: "I'm really sorry. Here, take these so you know how sorry I am!"

The mother says: "Thanks for the tea but I don't like bananas."

The man says: "The banana isn't for you--it's for your monkey!"

Have a break, faithful soldier

One of my childhood friends has been residing in Haiti for the past few years. He works for the Salvation Army and I only have the fondest memories of him. When the devasting earthquake struck, the Salvation Army was one of the first organisations to bring aid to the stricken area--and Captain Bob Poff was at the forefront (and another childhood friend, Steve Himes set up the Salvation Army's Haiti website). I'm so proud of Bob. He loves Haiti and he shows his love not by going around asking stupid questions in the hope he can get a book out of it one day but by bringing joy and light within and without disaster. In the initial aftermath, Bob used facebook to communicate with loved ones to let them know he and his family were OK. Later he used it to coordinate Salvation Army relief services. Of course, his story was picked up by the news and Bob was even eventually interviewed (as he drove a truck packed with aid packages!) by Larry King. Here's a link for Bob's eyewitness account.

Bob is now in the US on an enforced break, getting much needed rest and hopefully coming to terms with the tragedy that he's seen.

So no jokes today--just my thanks that there are people like Bob Poff who get off their butts and do something about alleviating the suffering in the world. BTW, Bob is in the third photo down, on the left.

Irreverent? Moi?

Well, as it turns out, my cat Bubbles thought he knew a few more things about windows than I did so I put him in charge. And what does he do? He forgets to update my blog. So, that's it. The cat's sacked and I'm back in charge.

It's been a hectic few weeks for Bubbles' slave (me) and I've been up to my eyeballs with Ofsted and a few other frivolities. Do I sound a bit contrite? Well, I am--at least a little bit because after all this time, this blog has finally got a mention on the AA website. And Bubbles has let us all down.

That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Bubbles, no whiskas for you. Not until I get home anyway.

So, it was my turn to give the lecture at the Lodge last night. Now I'm not one to boast (a-hem) but I thought I did all right. I finished on time and I did everything I meant to do. And no one threw anything at me. Oh and my topic was "The Day the Music Died" about the plane crash that killed Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper and Ritchie Valens (along with an even seasoning of Don McLean and Madonna.

But back to Mr Bubbles.

Here's a little kitty cat joke as a thank you for his big heart and even bigger purr. Let's call it a Venus in the 6th house joke for cat lovers everywhere (who happen to know that what happens in the joke could never happen to a cat!):

A salesman dropped into to see a customer. Not a soul was in the office except for a big dog who was busy emptying rubbish bins. The salesman stared at the dog, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looks at him and says: "Don't be surprised. It's just part of my job!"

"Incredible!" shouted the salesman. "Does your owner know what an incredible dog you are? Imagine! A dog who can talk! I should tell him so you can be on television!"

"No, no, no," said the dog. "Don't tell him or he'll have me answering the phones next!"