Thursday 28 July 2011
Anders Breivik
When someone blows up a city centre with a homemade fertiliser bomb and then dresses up as a policeman, grabs a machine gun and murders 70+ kids on a picturesque island, one doesn't need validation of that person's insanity.
What I do like doing though is showing how the astrology is working.
Anders Breivik was born on 13 February 1979 in London according to Wikipedia. Because the time is unknown, I'm using the time as noon. Without the angles nor exact position of the Moon, the information available is limited but not to the point where the astrology can't be seen.
Like Amy Winehouse, Breivik's chart contains a magic triangle. Whereas Amy had Saturn/Pluto as the tip, Breivik has Neptune. His focus was cloudier, flimsier and much, much harder to pin down (see previous entry on Amy's Pluto/Saturn for a contrast). Anyone can be a drug addict, a drunkard, a sympathiser or an idealist (all traits of Neptune) but Neptune's position and contacts to other planets show how a native embraces the nebulous attraction of Neptune. Think about the pull of the sea: to some of us the idea of swimming in the ocean a terrifying one (some of us grew up in the 70s when "Jaws" was popular!), some of us might find it exhilarating (like surfers), some might see it as something to be conquered (deep sea fisherman) and some of us might find it fascinating (like Jacques Cousteau). Breivik had a Sun/Mars conjunction in Aquarius trine to Pluto in Libra, all three planets pointing to his Neptune by sextile. With different lifestyle choices, Breivik could simply have ended up as the town drunk. Instead he became drunk on the idea of religious perfection (Neptune in Sagittarius). In Breivik’s case, “the pull of the sea” would have felt pretty irresistible--especially as North Node began transiting his Neptune earlier this year. With this, the attraction of Neptune became not only interesting but something that may have felt "fated" to him.
But there are other things happening too. . .
For the past couple of years, Neptune had been doing the boogie-woogie all over his natal Sun and Mercury. Perhaps the siren’s call to a perfection?
Transit Uranus began a long stretch going over and passing then retreating and re-passing (by retrograde motion) over his progressed Sun, destabilising an already eccentric centre-self (Sun and Mercury in Aquarius square to Uranus). Of course, not all Aquarians are unstable—but they do enjoying holding unique or even unpopular beliefs. Breivik goes way beyond simple eccentricity. Someone, somewhere probably tried to tell Breivik he was behaving oddly but he probably turned around and said “But I’m right.”
So far, no one has said much about Breivik’s love life but something unusual is here too and is worth a look.
Natally, he most likely had a Saturn/Moon conjunction in Virgo. He’d hardly be a fluffy bunny kind of boyfriend: he’d most likely fix that cold, icy stare on you if you were anything less than perfect. This is trine to Venus in Capricorn—again, hardly cosy. Venus in Capricorn is not known for its love of soft furnishings. This guy is about as comfortable as a bed of nails. Transit Pluto in Capricorn was slowly making its way to Natal Venus, thus setting off what may be construed as a very unpleasant love affair with cold discomfort and harsh reality—and complete unpredictability. The image of those poor teenagers rushing to the good-looking, heroic policeman for help only to be gunned down as they stood is a tragic metaphor for this.
Nope, still not up to jokes. . .
Monday 25 July 2011
Amy Winehouse: Newest Member of the "Club of 27"
Indeed. Hers was a voice we’re not going to see the likes of again for some time.
But we said the same about Janis Joplin.
Like Janis, Amy hardly lived up to the reputation of her star sign. A Virgo, Amy reeked of the messy addictions so often attributed to her Sun’s opposite sign, Pisces. Here she was falling out of yet another club, beehive comically askew, stilettos long abandoned, too scrawny, eyes rolling in her head, off her face on God knows what, her family and friends scratching their heads, horror-struck. Where did it all go wrong? Amy was born to a Jewish family in Southgate London on 14 September 1983 at 10:25 pm (Source: Frank Clifford quotes Winehouse's mother to a mutual friend of astrologer Margaret Zelinski. RR: A). She began singing and playing the guitar shortly before her first Saturn opposition. By the age of 20, she had been signed to Simon Fuller’s record company and the rest, as we like to say, is history. She stormed into our cultural consciousness with “Valerie” and “Rehab”. Beehive blazing, she was a jazzy cross between Sarah Vaughan and Morticia from the Addams Family.
Astrologically, Amy was a Mercurial character: her ascendant was in Gemini with its ruler in Virgo as well as a Mars-Venus conjunction in the 3rd house. Her career and public image were often described as “dichotomous” a handy synonym for Mercurial influences. However, the majority of planets are in the northern hemisphere, countering Mercury’s need to communicate and receive information openly. What we saw in Amy’s performances were pure, gut wrenching, honest emotions—when she sang about not wanting to go to rehab, she wasn’t kidding. No one with Moon conjunct Neptune would take well to keeping one’s feet on terra firma. And in the seventh house, this aspect manifested in her choice of men, none of whom were in any position to be a positive role model to sobriety. Added to this was a trine to the Venus-Mars conjunction in Leo. Nothing Leo energy does is quiet or subtle: we got the drunken lion’s roar with every snap shot of the paparazzi. As she publically fell apart earlier this year, Transit Pluto was beating on the threshold of the Moon-Neptune aspect, setting off the rapid destruction of this aspect. Her Progressed Moon's presence only seemed to signal sobriety was not in sight.
Like the other members of the Club of 27, Amy died as Transit Uranus was trine to her Natal Uranus. Perhaps the age of 27 is the soul's first opportunity for a shot at re-invention. I'll leave it to you to contemplate the other possible manifestations. As the first Uranus trine always occurs before the first Saturn return, the native may simply lack the experience and maturity to survive such a shake-up. We get another chance to re-invent ourselves at around 54 and a final attempt at 84.
Natal Pluto and Saturn, in disassociate conjunction (Pluto in Libra, Saturn in Scorpio) in the fifth house, formed the apex of a magic triangle configuration, also very much like the one prominent in the charts featured in the other members of the “Club of 27”. Any configuration of “easy” aspects produces an electrifying zing of never ending energy. Planets caught up in the configuration by transit or progression only serve as food to be consumed by the raging gods. A Saturn-Pluto conjunction as a focus for this configuration could have acted like a shield for Amy’s emotional turbulence. The need to party away the nerves of Neptune-Moon but yet have all the attention the Venus-Mars conjunction in Leo craves could have led to a much faster burn out had it not been for the steely reserve of Amy’s Pluto-Saturn conjunction. Without this aspect, in the fifth house, performing live may not have been possible for a vulnerable personality like her’s. No matter how much "talent" a person possesses, without nerves of steel (naturally occurring or otherwise), a performer is impotent on stage. And Amy performed live over and over and over again.
Generally speaking, squares usually add "grit" to a chart. They make a character, forcing it to do something to overcome limitations rather than passively wait for answers to arrive like a bolt from the blue. Sadly, Amy’s Sun-Mercury conjunction in 4th in Virgo needed emotional and mental precision as a way to express the anguish of living in an imperfect world. In a career where alcohol, fame and drugs are so readily available, Amy Winehouse fell into the abyss.
And no, I'm not ready to make a joke about that.
Sunday 24 July 2011
The Newest Member of the Club of 27
Why Amy? I hear you ask. Does anyone who dies at the age of 27 qualify for the infamous "Club of 27"?
I'm afraid not.
The Club of 27 has had many potential members who have simply died at the age of 27. These include Pigpen of the Grateful Dead and Kirsten Pfaff of Hole and many other, rather obscure, yet semi-notable figures in the world of rock n roll. These folks had "fans" but not the fanatical followers of Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones and Kurt Cobain. We're always sorry for those who die young but not just anyone can join the ranks of the exclusive Club of 27.
Amy Winehouse was notable because she was a talented, award winning lead singer. Her talent made her stand out, not just her hedonistic lifestyle, her recklessness or her need for attention. Most importantly, Amy Winehouse stood out on her own: she didn't need anyone to cling on to. She was a Grammy winning solo artist and had rightly won an inclusion in the "1001 Albums to Listen to Before you Die" book. Her voice was remarkable and life changing, her talent raw, evocative and we won't see the likes of it any time soon.
The Club of 27 is exclusive club and a very reluctant one: Welcome Amy Winehouse.
And no, no one wants any more members.
More on the Club of 27: http://www.clubof27.com/
Or, perhaps we should just mourn the 90+ people who died in Norway. . .
Monday 16 May 2011
Caput Algol: DUCK!
The fixed star Algol has fascinated me for years. I even named one of my cats Perseus. And so with the Sun approaching conjunction of the fearsome Gorgon's head during the full moon, I thought we could reflect (as opposed to look directly at) this fixed star.
More Algol here.
Firstly, there's been some pretty gruesome news in Tenerife with the beheading of an innocent grandmother. I don't know the woman's birth details so I can't comment on whether or not she has personal contacts to Algol but it seems very "coincidental" that the news of her beheading emerged on the very same day as Nick Berg's beheading a few years ago--on the day when the Sun was approaching Algol.
Anne Boleyn (5 May 1507) and was executed by beheading and had Mercury conjunct Algol (Algol was at 19 Taurus in 1507). Saddam Hussein (28 April 1937) also had Mercury conjunct Algol and was executed by hanging.
I also think it's pretty interesting that Princess Diana had Venus on Algol. She wasn't beheaded but her lover, Dodi Alfayed, died of head injuries in their fatal car crash. I found it a little alarming that Prince William, who also has Venus on Algol, would give his mother's ring to Kate. I'm not predicting head injuries, I'm just saying the symbolism of Algol may be a little hard to shake: personal planets conjunct Algol are said to make pretty intense personalities. Prince William is certainly affected by the Al-ghoulesque themes.
But headlessness isn't necessarily the compulsary manifestation of Algol. Here's a few others:
Julie Gregory, author of "Sickened" the story of a child whose mother had Munchausen by proxy, has a birthday today. She wasn't beheaded but she is the victim of some very strange parenting from someone who seems to be quite sick in the head.
Debra Winger, Sun on Algol, is known for her intense, don't-mess-with-me gaze as well as her unusual voice (Taurus rules the throat).
Leo Buscaglia, "Dr Love" had Venus conjunct Algol. Although he was renowned for his courses entitled "Love 1A," the queues of people who wanted to hug him following his lectures and his bestselling book "Love," he never married.
Tough guy James Caan had his descendant and Mars on Algol. He was married four times producing children with each union.
The plane crash that killed Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, Ritchie Valens and the pilot of the plane they were flying in also had Mars conjunct Algol. The all died of massive traumas to the brain. Additionally, the pilot had Mars opposite Algol and Valens had Uranus conjunct Algol (just like John Lennon and Bob Dylan).
There's tons of stuff on the web about Algol but here's a few things to bear in mind:
1) Algol doesn't always mean headlessness but often there are elements of the myth associated in the person's life: jealousy, being "head strong," and intensity.
2) Algol is currently at 26 degrees Taurus but owing to precession, moves one degree every 72 years.
3) Here's a few sites of interest for Algol lovers everywhere
http://www.skyscript.co.uk/algol.html
The late, great Diana Rosenberg wrote the ultimate Algol article.
4) A lot of people who have Algol contacts haven't lost their heads
5) A lot of people who don't have Algol contacts have lost their heads
6) A lot of astrologers treat Algol with a pinch of salt.
Make a joke out of Algol I hear you ask?
Okee dokee. . .
What can you never give the headless horseman?
A headache!
And of course, there's always a fine line of you so ugly jokes to choose from. . .
1.You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.
2.If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China.
3.You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.
4.If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.
5.You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.
6.You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control... your face will do just fine.
7.You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.
8.You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.
9.You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.
10.You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.
11.You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you
Friday 6 May 2011
Flat Earth
A couple of years ago, I met the lovely Christine Garwood, author of “Flat Earth: the History of an Infamous Idea”. She was presenting her findings about the very interesting Flat Earth Society at a Lodge History seminar. The Flat Earth Society asks some very interesting questions about some things we take for granted.
One of the most difficult things for me to do when I first started studying astronomy several (a-hem) years ago was to get the images in my head to move in a 3-D circular motion. For example, on paper, the phases of the moon look like this:
But in reality, it looks nothing like this as we experience it on earth and it was difficult to train my brain to get the earth and moon to move in rotation and revolution. It was a similar problem with understanding retrograde motion:
But I do understand (I think) anyway why the earth must be a sphere and not a flattened disk: because Aristotle said so!
OK, maybe it’s more to do with the fact that these days I am much more adept at getting the imaginary earth in my head to rotate and revolve around an imaginary sun. All the same, it’s not such a bad idea to try to see something from another person’s point of view every now and again. Even if you do think they’re wrong.
To celebrate getting it wrong. . .here’s a little Mars opposite Uranus joke just for you:
Tony was 6 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse. Oh, Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
Wednesday 20 April 2011
In Amsterdam
Part of this is due to me launching my website which neatly compiles some of the articles I've published these past few years.
My new website (still under construction) is:
www.alextrenoweth.com
Catchy, eh?
I went to Amsterdam In February which was meant to be a break but ended up being a sad event: just before I boarded the plane, I learned my good friend Maurice McCann had died. Although Maurice hadn't been in good health, it was quite a nasty shock. I will write more about this wonderful man in coming posts but I know Maurice would want me to focus on the beautiful weather and to continue to get in touch with other astrologers.
Luckily, to take my mind off of my sadness, I met the lovely Karen Hamaker-Zondag who runs her own highly successful astrology school in Amsterdam.
Karen also has a very impressive array of books in her shop (my daughter Jess is the model):
Karen and I also discussed the Sibley chart at length, inspiring me to commence work on why I continue to use the Sibley chart when most other astrologers have abandoned it.
I'll need a little more space to explain so watch my website!
In honour of the hard-working Karen and the honourable Maurice McCann, here's a little Saturn conjunct Mercury joke--with an opposition to Neptune:
William Shakespeare walks into the pub and orders a pint.
The barman looks at William and says: "Look, I told you before: You're Bard!"
Saturday 12 March 2011
Yup, still here. . .
So what HAVE I been up to?
As I announced in September, I decided I was going to spend less time working and more time having fun. Well, the having more fun bit has been quite successful but the working less bit has. . .well, not worked. I've been extremely busy, er, working. And having fun.
Let's see. . .
I wrote another novel in November as part of the National write a novel in a month month, which was why I was too busy to blog in November.
In December, I had just about the worse case of flu I've ever had. . .and then I spent part of the Christmas holidays in Marrakesh where I witnessed a lunar eclipse just before dawn and then went to the other side of the hotel to watch the sunrise.
That awed me into shutting up for awhile.
Here's the photo to prove I was indeed moved to reverent awe and silence:
As for a smutty joke. . .with what's happening in Japan, I somehow don't quite feel up to making jokes today. So sorry if you've popped in for that.
Oh and a reminder the the Astrological Lodge of London meets up at the Theosophical Society on Monday nights.
The next Quarterly in nearly ready so stay tuned. . .
Saturday 23 October 2010
Ahhhh. . .half term
That's all I can say...
I leave you with a Pluto cj the IC joke:
The Ojibwa tell this story about twins, one a pessimist and the other an optimist. When they were about 5, their parents took them to the Medicine Man to see if there was anything they could do. The Medicine Man told them to give the pessimist everything he wanted for his birthday and to give the optimist a pile of horse shit. It would be sure to cure their stubborn ways. So on the morning of their birthdays, the parents did as the Medicine Man instructed and they waited outside the tipi to listen. The pessimistic son opened a huge pile of gifts and, as they expected, he was grumbling about it the whole time. The optimistic son however, was squealing in delight over his horseshit. In fact he was throwing it in the air and rubbing it in his hair. Alarmed, his parents burst in and asked what he was so happy about. The optimist said: “Well, with all this horseshit all over the place, there has to be a pony for me somewhere!”
Tuesday 12 October 2010
New Crop Circle Theory, part 3
The area of Wiltshire is crop circle heaven and with Avebury and Stonehenge around, it is naturally quite a magical place to a lot of people. In fact, it's so magical that the UK government thought it would be a great idea to surround the area with a military training ground so while you're wandering around in awe, you occasionally have to duck because of the low flying jet planes. Pure martial stuff. .
The area also boasts the famous Silbury Hill:
Various theories about Silbury Hill abound but it seems to have been a very special place to people on the islands for a very long time. In fact, it's even been referred to as "womb".
Near to Silbury Hill is Avebury. Now perhaps I can, every now and again, be known for my somewhat distracted mind that tends to wander onto one topic but doesn't Avebury look something like a breast?
Added to that, the area is mainly chalk and it has been said the water in the moat surrounding Avebury had been white. . .as in, like milk.
And the final piece of the puzzle. . .
Within Avebury (okay, actually within a pub within Avebury), there is a well that suspiciously looks like a erm, cervix:
So there is a womb, breast, a cervix all continually patrolled by the very martial military. My theory? Aliens are attracted to it because it is a giant human breeding ground! They use crop circles to signal to their friends that this is the perfect place to interbreed with humans. . .that's my theory and I'm sticking to it!
To celebrate theories, here is a very special Mercury conjunct Mars joke:
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it. “Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Crop Circle Theory, part 2. . .
And it's even more fun if you can bump into Gary "The King of crop circles" King:
Gary and I had breakfast and he told me of all his wonderful plans which included pyramids in South America where he'll be touring for the next few months. I hope he brought his spider swatter. . .
Anyway, it was great to meet up with him and make plans to find the next circle.
In honour of Gary and all other clever men, I give you a very special Venus in the 6th house joke. . .
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?"
The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.
He then said, "Anything else?"
The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?"
The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."
The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."
And now for my new crop circle theory. . .
Up close, the circles take on a more eerie feeling. Kind of like being watched by someone. . .here's some closer detail:
and a bit more. . .
And here's an aerial view. . .
That's all well and good I hear you say but what is that to do with a new theory?
For several years, I've been watching crop circles, been hanging around croppies and listening to their stories about where they come from. And until now, I didn't really have a theory as I didn't think it mattered where they came from. They were just fascinating bits of geometrical design and I regarded them as the most avant guard works of art.
But over the summer, I had a bit of a revelation and I'll be sharing my new theory just as soon as I get a few astro jokes out of my system. . .I'll call this one Jupiter conjunct Mars:
A somewhat strange guy walks into a bar. The bartender notices him and watches as the man walks up to a group of men at a table and starts talking to them. The man then gets up and goes to the bartender and says..."I bet you $500 that I can piss in that shot glass on the back wall without spilling a drop." The bartender, thinking he could make himself a quick $500 takes the bet. The man then unzips his pants and starts pissing all over the bartender and the bar. He pisses on everything but the shot glass.
When he is finished the bartender says, ”Well I guess you owe me $500."
The man walks back over to the table and comes back and gives the bartender $500 the bartender then asks: "How did you get that money from them?"
The man replies..."Well I just bet them $2,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you wouldn't get mad."
Thursday 26 August 2010
This is how I feel about PDF conversions!
Anyway, this is how I feel about the process. . .
Let's call it Saturn square Mercury. . .
Tuesday 24 August 2010
Pisces Full Moon: ferget tryin' to be purreckt
So imagine my curiosity when on a break, I saw a very pretty woman stomping down the road, carrying a huge bouquet of red roses. With a face like thunder (her face, not mine!), I watched in awe as she dumped the flowers in a tip. Ever the elegant romantic, once she was out of sight, I fished out the roses (when I knew the woman was out of sight), brought 'em home and stuck 'em in a vase. Aren't they pretty??
I reckon whatever the man had done to have his woman dump £70 worth of roses in the bin must have been pretty serious. Nonetheless, they look great on my dresser!
So, thank you Ms Perfection. I'm glad you're fussy!
In honour of being excused from the pressure of perfection on this full moon in Pisces night. . .a little Neptune in the 3rd joke. . .I suppose, given the circumstances, we could stretch it to a Venus cj Neptune in the 3rd!
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "Everyone's fine. I'VE just quit drinking."
Monday 23 August 2010
My New Theory
Sunday 22 August 2010
Hermitage
1) The days of me running around 11 different classrooms are a thing of the past. I will never do that again. This September, it would appear I will have my own classroom. As far as I am concerned, this means I will ALWAYS have my own classroom. At my school, I have the most seniority and therefore I will not be engaging in the game of "make the newbies happy". I had to work hard for about four years before I could enjoy the very few benefits of being an experienced teacher. I was told my suffering would make me a better teacher and so I think the newbies will also benefit from the experience of teaching every lesson in a different classroom.
2) I have a life outside a classroom. That's right. I'm imposing boundaries. My day finishes at 4:30, every day. No more moon lighting for me!!! Dinner and then The Simpsons every night!!
3) With all this "free time" I need a new schedule to allow time to do the things I enjoy. Like astrology. Like playing my trumpet in the South London Jazz Orchestra. Like writing fiction.
Here's a photo of me enjoying life. It's taken at the top of Glastonbury Tor during a recent, much needed holiday. . .
And another thing. . .
Just when I was thinking that telling naughty jokes on my blog was bad for my extremely serious reputation, my very good friend Mike Edwards (more about him later)
reminded me that all good astrologers should remember that, if we want a bit of attention, the astrology world is not the place to search for it!!
In honour of making a few changes, here's a little message for anyone who thinks they will be able to mess with me this academic year. Let's call it Saturn cj Mercury in the eighth:
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
Saturday 17 July 2010
Almost there. . .
In honour of happy endings, here's a very special Mars cj Pluto in the 8th house joke:
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, St Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line and St Peter asked for his story.
"Picture this," he said, "I'm standing naked inside a refrigerator. . ."
Saturday 19 June 2010
Well, it's hard to beat walking on hot coals. . .
I'M GOING TO SEE WYNTON MARSALIS TONIGHT!!! OMG OMG OMG!!!
I love Wynton.
Sorry, I guess you have to be a trumpet player to truly appreciate his triple tonguing, his bright, clear tone and his versatility.
I love Wynton.
Oops I'm repeating myself.
In other news, I went to the Sunrise festival a few weeks back and I helped my buddy John Wadsworth with his phenomenal Zodiac Temple. John has been working with experiential astrology for some time now. It was such a privilige to work with a fantastic group of young astrologers. It always warms the cockles of my heart to be with astrologers who like to play with astrology via drama, dance and music. John has been an inspiration with his fabulous choices of music for planets ("Walking on Sunshine" for Mercury in Leo, John?). If you would like to experience John's work, click here for more info on his Alchemical Journey workshops.
As the England team are fluffing about on the field, here's a little comic to remind you of a few more important things in life. I'll simply call it a Saturn funny (bet you didn't know he had a sense of humour!):
Tuesday 11 May 2010
Firewalking
them up. I can't imagine the agony if I were to be burned on the bottom of my feet and my fear makes me take a step back to let another walker go ahead of me. I watch as her feet turn to a glowing orange and her steps kick up fire: she has become a Firewalker. And whilst I remain a petrified watcher, I cannot join her in this achievement. This moment is about overcoming fear, brushing away life’s cobwebs and affirming what one can do in life.
Monday 10 May 2010
Hot Alex
Here it is burning:
Here is the path, ready for walking:
And me:
If you'd like to go firewalking, I highly recommend that you contact my friends Max and Lisa at:
Wizard Well Being
And now, in honour of Beltane a little Mars conjunct Saturn in 8th house joke:
A man goes to a doctor and is interviewed by a female consultant.
"What's the problem?" she asks.
"I can't tell you," he said.
"Why not?"
"Oh, you'll just laugh like everyone else."
"Look," she says, "I'm a professional. I've seen everything and in my 20 years in the medical profession, I have never laughed."
"OK," the man says, pulling down his trousers and pants. He turned to the nurse, revealing the smallest penis she had ever seen. It was about the size of a AAA battery. The female consultant felt the corners of her mouth twitch, then she completely lost control. She threw her head back and roared with laughter.
"I'm so sorry!" she said between guffaws. "I don't know what came over me. What's the problem?"
He said: "It's swollen!"
Tuesday 13 April 2010
Hawkwind!
For the first time ever, I even managed to complete 2 Astrology Quarterlies. I am so pleased with myself.
I'm also doing another MA and in the throes of finishing my first paper. Why another MA? Because my education hasn't put me in enough debt! Not really. My school asked if I wanted to do and MA in education if they paid for it and I said "yes please!".
So what else is new?
Well, I now have red hair (the greys were freaking me out) and I've just managed to choke down a dose of Chinese medicine. I've also found some very nice photos taken at the Big Green Gathering a few years ago of the band Hawkwind! What a group!
We were just standing around in this hot old marquee and suddenly, everyone was on their feet dancing! It was such a great moment of letting the music take over one's mind, body and spirit.
Of course, it can't be like that all the time and we have to do a bit more concentrating. So, if I have to return to work (because I wasn't smart enough to go to the US for spring break), you, gentle reader, can put up with a little saturn in the 3rd house joke!
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved
off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Wednesday 24 March 2010
Best pun ever
In honour of Neptune transiting my Natal Venus, a little Gandhi joke.
Saturday 13 March 2010
Sink or Swim
What a month at school: Saturday tuitions, Parents' Evenings, Options Evenings, a lesson observation, APP folders (don't ask what APP means--boring teacher lingo) and I'm doing FAS exams and an MA in education (because I just don't have enough post graduate certificates that I've gone into debt for to admire).
Oh and the Q is due. . .
As they say, sink or swim.
*blowing up water wings*
The last time I felt so pressurised was when I was doing the dissertation for the MA in CAA. Which reminds me. . .
Above is a picture of us Sophia Centre graduates sharing a meal at UAC in Denver: There's Mary, Brook, Nick Campion, Branka, James, Chris, me and Alice. Don't we look sweet and innocent?
In honour of the time honoured tradition of "when it rains, it pours" so you might as well make a little dance of it, here's a very special Neptune cj Mars in the 12th house joke for over achievers everywhere:
Two eskimos are in a kayak. They get cold and so decide to light a fire. Of course, the kayak sinks. So you see, this really does prove you can't have your kayak and heat it too. . .
Friday 12 March 2010
Club of 27
Speaking of cats, my cat, Mr Bubbles is doing a lot better. He's putting on weight and is back to demanding that we stroke him and spoil him.
Anyway, as you undoubtedly know, the Club of 27 is about those who have left this earth at the tender age of 27: Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Brian Jones, Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix.
In honour of the dearly departed but not forgotten here's a very special Pluto in the 8th house joke:
A vulture gets on a plane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant says: "Sorry sir, only 1 carrion item allowed."
Saturday 27 February 2010
Poor Bubbles!
He's still as skinny as a mink but he's slowly putting weight back on. He has a big old scar on his stomach so now we call him "Franken-Bubbles".
It's amazing how stressed out we get over our pets!
In (dis)honour of string, here's a little Neptune in the sixth house joke for sick kitties:
A piece of string goes into the bar and yells: "Oi!! Barman! Give me a drink!" The barman picks up the string and throws him into the street.
Thirsty, the string sits down to think of what he's going to do to get a drink. Suddenly, he comes up with a cunning plan. he's going to disguise himself! So he contorts himself into a completely
different shape and frizzes his hair into an afro. He goes back into the bar, hops up on the barstool and smiles sweetly at the bartender.
The bartender says: "You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago!"
The string says: "No, I'm a frayed knot!"
Saturday 13 February 2010
Alex and Ronnie Wood!!
I can't get no satisfaction!! (do pardon the double negative!)
"Look," says the frog, "I know people. My name is Kermit Jagger."
The teller stares at the frog.
"You know," says the frog, "JAGGER. Mick JAGGER is me dad!"
Playing along, Patricia consults her boss.
"There's a frog out there called Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow 30,oo0 pounds for a holiday,"she tells him, "Oh and he want to use this," she holds up the little pink elephant, "as collateral!"
To her surprise, the bank manager gasps and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!"
PS, thanks Jess for taking the photo!!
Friday 5 February 2010
Llama Dreams
Fingers crossed Transist Uranus conjunct my P. Moon will give me the shock I need!!
In honour of shocks, here's a special Uranus crossing the ascendant joke for llama lover everywhere:
A man boards a train and takes a seat opposite to a woman holding a small baby. As the train moves out of the station, he picks up his newspaper to read it. However, it isn't too long before he is completely distracted by the baby. He smiles at the baby and tries to return to the paper but every time he finds something he wants to read, the baby catches his attention. Before long, the man is laughing. He puts his paper down and says to the young mother: "Bar none, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!" and he laughs some more.
The poor mother, however, bursts into tears.
After a few minutes, the man starts to feel bad and he gets up and goes to the buffet car, returning with a cup of tea and a banana.
He holds these out to the mother and says: "I'm really sorry. Here, take these so you know how sorry I am!"
The mother says: "Thanks for the tea but I don't like bananas."
The man says: "The banana isn't for you--it's for your monkey!"