Medieval Boy Toys

I don't know about this. . .

Chris Mitchell says he was giving a lecture on Medieval astrology and the methods used at that time but I think he looks like he's having an awful lot of fun at the AA conference!

However, Chris is such a wonderful friend, even if he's never kissed me. Oh wait. . .he has kissed me. . .at Sue Farebrother's party.

Oh man, I've got to keep my lips to myself! No wait. That would be no fun!

Love ya Chris! And to prove it. . .here's a very special Mars conjunct Moon in the eighth house joke!

A man stumbled into the emergency room dressed in a medieval bard's outfit, clutching his stomach with one hand and moaning in agony. With his free hand he was clutching a lute, which he dropped on the floor in front of the nurse's station. He then collapsed in a heap on the floor, rolled himself into a fetal position, and began to moan much louder. Fearing serious food poisoning, doctors quickly brought a stretcher out and rolled him into the bowels of the ER. Half an hour later, the man walked past the nurse and out the door, whistling happily to himself. Noticing that the man looked much healthier, the nurse asked one of the doctors what was ailing the man.

The doctor shrugged and said "nothing big....just minstrel cramps."

I kissed a monk (and I liked it!)

It was the Astrological Association's conference this weekend and what a great time we had! I especially enjoyed sucking the face off of the luscious Garry Philipson! No, it's not what it appears. . .really! I said "Let's give them something to talk about." So Garry laid his juicy lips onto mine.

A-hem!

To celebrate former monks (Garry really is a former Buddhist monk), here's special Saturn in the 9th just for his sexy self:

A monk newly initiated into his order was told that he'd have to spend the initial 20 years of training in complete silence. He was told that he would only be allowed to say two words every three years.

After 3 years of studiously keeping this vow, he was summoned before the Abbot and asked if he had anything to say, in two words or less. He replied, "Food Sucks." Three more years went by when he was again summoned before the Abbot. "Well, do you have anything to say now," the monk was asked. "Bed Hard," was the answer. After three more years the Abbot found our friend and asked him if he'd like to speak. "I Quit!" said the monk.

"Well, I'm not suprised," said his Abbottship. "You've done nothing but complain since you arrived.!"

And Garry--you can't say you've never been kissed again!

Just balancing the score sheet. . .

After a week that saw me lecturing my pupils on the merits of giving up their free seats on the bus to the elderly, I feel little entitled to share a Saturn in the 8th house joke:

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ....This was your Grandma's idea."

Ahhhh. . .

Here's something to aspire to. . .a special Venus in 7th--with a Neptune transit--for all you lovers everywhere. . .

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping – Love you!!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am! drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!”

Still swearin'

Something tells me I shouldn't be swearing so much. . .so I told that little voice to shut the fuck up. I'm back at school, after all. The kids swear way more than I do! To celebrate bad little words, here's my very special Jupiter in the 8th, ruling the 7th joke. . .

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman.

"Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh. A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un fucking-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum,tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls,but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman’s husband Dave comes home.

"In fucking-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes,but the same old clients ..... How ya doin', Dave?"

Pluto square Uranus (for Ray Merriman), part 2

Well, we all know what Pluto rules: hell, sewers and all things decaying underground. And with a name like Ur-anus, perhaps you should know in advance that this is not the type of joke a kid will appreciate. No wait, I take it back. . . it's exactly the type of joke a kid would appreciate. It's the parents who might not want them to hear it. So if you're under, say, 18, it's time to look away. Also look away if you're of a sensitive nature--though as this aspect is currently in the sky, it's highly unlikely you'll be able to avoid getting offended no matter how much you try!

A man wakes up early one Saturday morning and says to his wife: "Woman, we're going fishing, whether you like it or not!"

The woman groans, rolls over and mumbles "The hell I am. I hate fishing."

"Look," the man says, "I'm tired of you griping about fishing. You're going fishing with me and the dog and that's that!"

The woman mumbles, "I am NOT going fishing."

The man says, "Oh yes you are. You are my WIFE. You will do what pleases me. And fishing pleases me. So you will come fishing with me."

"Look," the woman says, "I hate fishing. I do want to please you but not fishing. Can't we do something else that pleases you?" she adds saucily.

The man thinks for a moment. "OK," he says. "I'll give you a choice of three things that please me. You choose one and then I can never claim that you never do anything that pleases me."

The woman considers this for a minute and agrees.

"OK," says the man. "Here are your choices: 1) you come fishing with me and the dog, 2) you give me a blow job or 3) you take it up the ass. I'm going out to pack the car. When I come back, you give me your answer."

"Ugg! I don't want to do any of those! They're ALL disgusting!"

"I'm going out to pack the car," the man says again. "When I come back, you'd better have your answer!"

He leaves the room and she considers in each option in turn. None appeal. So she starts to think of which one would be worse and she thinks that up the ass would be the worst with fishing a close second. So with no other option, she decides on the blow job.

The husband returns and she smiles sweetly and says: "Darling, I'll go for the blow job."

He says, "Great!" and pulls his trousers down and gets himself into position.

"Yuk!" she says. "You smell all shitty!"

"Yes. That's right," says the husband, "The dog didn't want to go fishing either!"

(Sorry Ray but you should have known better!!)

Pluto square Uranus (for Ray Merriman), part 1

When I met up with Ray, he challenged me to come up with a joke for Pluto square Uranus. Funnily enough, my buddy Sue Farebrother has the exact same request, with the infamous words "Let's see you make a joke out of that"!

For more, check out part two!