Medieval Boy Toys

I don't know about this. . .

Chris Mitchell says he was giving a lecture on Medieval astrology and the methods used at that time but I think he looks like he's having an awful lot of fun at the AA conference!

However, Chris is such a wonderful friend, even if he's never kissed me. Oh wait. . .he has kissed me. . .at Sue Farebrother's party.

Oh man, I've got to keep my lips to myself! No wait. That would be no fun!

Love ya Chris! And to prove it. . .here's a very special Mars conjunct Moon in the eighth house joke!

A man stumbled into the emergency room dressed in a medieval bard's outfit, clutching his stomach with one hand and moaning in agony. With his free hand he was clutching a lute, which he dropped on the floor in front of the nurse's station. He then collapsed in a heap on the floor, rolled himself into a fetal position, and began to moan much louder. Fearing serious food poisoning, doctors quickly brought a stretcher out and rolled him into the bowels of the ER. Half an hour later, the man walked past the nurse and out the door, whistling happily to himself. Noticing that the man looked much healthier, the nurse asked one of the doctors what was ailing the man.

The doctor shrugged and said "nothing big....just minstrel cramps."

I kissed a monk (and I liked it!)

It was the Astrological Association's conference this weekend and what a great time we had! I especially enjoyed sucking the face off of the luscious Garry Philipson! No, it's not what it appears. . .really! I said "Let's give them something to talk about." So Garry laid his juicy lips onto mine.

A-hem!

To celebrate former monks (Garry really is a former Buddhist monk), here's special Saturn in the 9th just for his sexy self:

A monk newly initiated into his order was told that he'd have to spend the initial 20 years of training in complete silence. He was told that he would only be allowed to say two words every three years.

After 3 years of studiously keeping this vow, he was summoned before the Abbot and asked if he had anything to say, in two words or less. He replied, "Food Sucks." Three more years went by when he was again summoned before the Abbot. "Well, do you have anything to say now," the monk was asked. "Bed Hard," was the answer. After three more years the Abbot found our friend and asked him if he'd like to speak. "I Quit!" said the monk.

"Well, I'm not suprised," said his Abbottship. "You've done nothing but complain since you arrived.!"

And Garry--you can't say you've never been kissed again!

Just balancing the score sheet. . .

After a week that saw me lecturing my pupils on the merits of giving up their free seats on the bus to the elderly, I feel little entitled to share a Saturn in the 8th house joke:

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ....This was your Grandma's idea."

Ahhhh. . .

Here's something to aspire to. . .a special Venus in 7th--with a Neptune transit--for all you lovers everywhere. . .

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping – Love you!!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am! drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!”

Still swearin'

Something tells me I shouldn't be swearing so much. . .so I told that little voice to shut the fuck up. I'm back at school, after all. The kids swear way more than I do! To celebrate bad little words, here's my very special Jupiter in the 8th, ruling the 7th joke. . .

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman.

"Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh. A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un fucking-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum,tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls,but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman’s husband Dave comes home.

"In fucking-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes,but the same old clients ..... How ya doin', Dave?"

Pluto square Uranus (for Ray Merriman), part 2

Well, we all know what Pluto rules: hell, sewers and all things decaying underground. And with a name like Ur-anus, perhaps you should know in advance that this is not the type of joke a kid will appreciate. No wait, I take it back. . . it's exactly the type of joke a kid would appreciate. It's the parents who might not want them to hear it. So if you're under, say, 18, it's time to look away. Also look away if you're of a sensitive nature--though as this aspect is currently in the sky, it's highly unlikely you'll be able to avoid getting offended no matter how much you try!

A man wakes up early one Saturday morning and says to his wife: "Woman, we're going fishing, whether you like it or not!"

The woman groans, rolls over and mumbles "The hell I am. I hate fishing."

"Look," the man says, "I'm tired of you griping about fishing. You're going fishing with me and the dog and that's that!"

The woman mumbles, "I am NOT going fishing."

The man says, "Oh yes you are. You are my WIFE. You will do what pleases me. And fishing pleases me. So you will come fishing with me."

"Look," the woman says, "I hate fishing. I do want to please you but not fishing. Can't we do something else that pleases you?" she adds saucily.

The man thinks for a moment. "OK," he says. "I'll give you a choice of three things that please me. You choose one and then I can never claim that you never do anything that pleases me."

The woman considers this for a minute and agrees.

"OK," says the man. "Here are your choices: 1) you come fishing with me and the dog, 2) you give me a blow job or 3) you take it up the ass. I'm going out to pack the car. When I come back, you give me your answer."

"Ugg! I don't want to do any of those! They're ALL disgusting!"

"I'm going out to pack the car," the man says again. "When I come back, you'd better have your answer!"

He leaves the room and she considers in each option in turn. None appeal. So she starts to think of which one would be worse and she thinks that up the ass would be the worst with fishing a close second. So with no other option, she decides on the blow job.

The husband returns and she smiles sweetly and says: "Darling, I'll go for the blow job."

He says, "Great!" and pulls his trousers down and gets himself into position.

"Yuk!" she says. "You smell all shitty!"

"Yes. That's right," says the husband, "The dog didn't want to go fishing either!"

(Sorry Ray but you should have known better!!)

Pluto square Uranus (for Ray Merriman), part 1

When I met up with Ray, he challenged me to come up with a joke for Pluto square Uranus. Funnily enough, my buddy Sue Farebrother has the exact same request, with the infamous words "Let's see you make a joke out of that"!

For more, check out part two!

My kind of girl!

Bryony Shaw busts her butt to get a medal and during her post race interview (in floods of euphoric tears) she says: "It was such a hard race and I had such a hard week. It's the best thing in the world. I love my mum and dad so much, they are so supportive. And my boyfriend Greg. My coach Tom is such a legend. I am so f***ing happy."

I'm not one for superfluous obscenities but I do love and appreciate passion! Until yesterday I didn't even know who Bryony Shaw was but today, she's my hero!

(On the side, isn't it amazing--and quite indicative of today's culture--that we seem to have completely forgotten about the plight of the Dalai Lama?)

In honour of girls who swear, here's a very special joke, Mars cj Mercury with a Pluto transit in the 6th. If you're offended by swearing, then come back in a couple of days. . .

A lonely woman buys a parrot from a pet shop to keep her company. She puts the bird in its cage and converses with it daily in the hope it will hold up its end of the conversation. The bird doesn't speak. Although disappointed, the woman keeps trying.

One day, her old friend, a priest, stops to visit. The woman welcomes the priest in her home and introduces him to her parrot. The parrot takes one look at the priest and says "You goddamned, mother-fucking son of a bitch!"

Horrified, the woman takes the bird back to the pet shop and complains.

"I've had this bird for months!" she wails "And it never speaks. I have my first visitor--my old friend the priest--and it swears!"

"Relax," says the pet shop owner. "It happens all the time. You see, men always catch parrots. They throw jackets over the birds' head; maybe even give it a few taps to keep it quiet. So you see why the bird swears at men?"

"Yes but what can I do?"

"That's easy," said the shop owner. "You got to punish it. The next time it swears, reach inside the cage, grab a hold of its legs and swing it over your head. Cures the swearing."

Doubtful, the woman returns home. And the bird still doesn't speak. Months pass. Then her old friend, the priest, stops by. The parrot takes one look at the priest and says: "You goddamned, mother-fucking son of a bitch!" The woman reaches inside the cage, grabs a hold of the bird--just like the pet shop owner says--and swings it over her head.

The parrot says: "WooooooooooooWeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Feel the fucking breeze!"

Another Happy Caturday

I was thinking that I should do something with my life then I remembered: ha! I'm on holiday! For the rest of the year (when these next two weeks are finished), I'll be planning, teaching, marking, handing out detentions, commuting, negotiating, pleading. . .you get the idea: it will be back to school before I know it.

But for now, it's just another happy Caturday with my two little mushies, Bubbles and Purrseus. And here's a delicious Mars in the 6th joke for content little pussies everywhere!

A little old lady with a kitty cat comes across a lamp and gives it a rub.

*poof* out comes a genie. The genie says:

"You have freed me and now I will grant you three wishes!"

"Oh!" exclaims the old lady, "I wish to be young and beautiful again!"

*poof* and she's young and beautiful again!

"Oh!" she says again, admiring her new found curves, "I wish to be rich!"

*poof* and she has loads of dosh at her feet.

"Oh!" she says, stroking her cat, "This tom cat has been my most faithful companion these past few lonely years. Make him into a handsome man so we can love each other for the rest of our young lives!"

*poof* And the cat sitting in her lap turns into a man who looks quite a bit like George Clooney. The pair kiss passionately.

The man says: "I'll bet you're sorry you had me fixed now aren't you?"

OMG! Ray Merriman!

The picture's a bit blurry but yes that is Alex Trenoweth with Ray Merriman!! I have the very good fortune of coming from the same neighbourhood as Ray so had the double good fortune in being able to meet up with him on my recent vacation, I mean holiday. Ray worked his socks off for the United Astrology Conference and continues his hard work for ISAR (International Society for Astrological Research). I met Ray briefly at UAC but it was sheer pleasure to share a meal with him and get to know him better on our mutual turf. Ray put me through my biggest challenge yet with a request for a joke for Saturn cj Pluto cj the Moon in Leo! Does he actually know anyone with this particular combination? Coinicidentally (I actually hate that word), this was the joke--slightly modified to suit Ray's rather specific request--I told at the Faculty of Astrological Studies Students' Forum.

OK, at Ray's request. . .

A scorpion walks up to a crab and says: "Give us a lift on your back to the other side of this stream!"

The crab says: "No way! How dumb do you think I am? You'll sting me! And besides, you're perfectly capable of getting there yourself!"

The scorpion says, "I understand your concern but you see I've just had my hair done and I don't want to ruin it by getting it wet. I promise I won't sting you."

The crab considers this for a moment and being quite a caring, accommodating creature, agrees to give the scorpion a lift across the stream. They were nearly to the other side when the crab felt an excruciating pain--not in the back where she expected it but in the tender underbelly, a particularly vulnerable place she had thought no one else knew about. With her dying breath, the crab managed to gasp: "Why?"

The scorpion said: "Because I felt like it!

(Hey Ray, thanks for the lovely evening!)

A is for Alex

This is pure bragging but just look at my bowling score! 142! 6 spares, 1 strike and only two gutter balls! Usually I get 6 gutter balls, 2 spares and er, 1 strike per game. I don't know what got into me but that ball was going where I was aiming. Maybe it's some weird astrocartagraphy line that makes bowling more favourable for me in Michigan. Oh wait, the next game I was more true to form (no photos of that scoreboard). . .

It's a shame I couldn't attribute my phenomenal score to Ojibwa Corn Soup but it's more likely a result of my dinner consisting of a chilli dog with cheese washed down with Mountain Dew (I did take a photo of that for posterity)! BTW I tried to smuggle Mountain Dew out of the country but was busted out. It just about broke my heart when security threw the two cans I had intended on saving for a rainy day (would have come in handy yesterday) into the nearest trash can--OK rubbish bin. My vocabulary will return to normal soon and I'll be back to good old British synonyms.

Speaking of synonyms, I have a good old homonym (get a dictionary!) joke worthy of a Mars in the 9th with Mercury stationary:

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Spot the difference

I was so exhausted by the end of the school year that I was genuinely concerned that I had worked myself into a serious illness. However, after a few days of rest, this concern proved itself foundless. Nevertheless, let's have a look at me before and after!

Left is a photo of me presenting my dissertation for the Sophia Centre. Gawd, what a dweeb! I worked bloody hard for my Master's degree and I did it whilst working full time and being a mother! So I reckon I was entitled to be a little tired!!

Now have a look at me on holiday, lol! As you know, I consider myself to be an astrological joke teller extraordinaire but Ray Merriman (more on him later!) didn't half put me through my paces! Uranus cj Pluto cj the Moon in Virgo in the 12th??? OK baby, you're on!

A boy comes home from school and asks: "Hey dad, what's the difference between theory and reality?"

Dad says: "Go ask your sister if she would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars."

The boy does this and answers the father in the affirmative.

The dad says: "Now ask your mother the same thing!"

The boy duly does this and returns with the same affirmative answer.

The boy says: "I don't get it!"

Dad says: "Theoretically, we are multi-millionaires. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts!"

On the Rez!

It was so good to finally be home on Saugeen Indian Reservation in Southampton Ontario! I stayed with my Aunt Liz and her husband Burt in their beautiful home near the shores of Sauble Beach (which my grandfather managed to acquire from the Canadian government). Left is a photo of my daughter and I playing on the beach. The water was a little choppy that day but we could still venture quite far before feeling battered by the waves. We had started the day with a swim, had a big breakfast (lasagne! woohoo!), then made ourselves wait a bit before heading back to the beach, where we stayed for the rest of the day.

Later that evening we had a fabulous meal with my cousin Angie. She made the delectable Indian Corn Soup which, to an Ojibwa, is better than Mother's milk. So good in fact that I asked my own mother to take a photo of me digging in! Note the delirious expression of extreme pleasure! What is Indian Corn Soup I hear you ask? It's made from corn that's been soaked in lye (yes LYE) so it pops. Then it's rinsed and rinsed and rinsed then rinsed some more. Then some special Ojibwa magic is added so it becomes this gorgeous soup. It had been a long time since I had Corn Soup (so good it deserves capital letters) but I hereby declare my cousin Angie to be the best cook in the world! To celebrate my cousin's devotion to Ojibwa cuisine, here's another special Ojibwa joke that can only be Mars in Taurus in the 2nd!

Two Ojibwas go to a hot food stand and order two hotdogs. As they walk away, one says to the other: "Which part of the dog did you get?"

How's that for an eclipse on one's Mercury?

Phew. . .

Well, I survived the plane journey back to England (there were a few dodgy moments on the plane which no one but me seemed bothered by!). I've seen loads of relatives and friends. Eaten way more than I should have. Spent time on the beach. Went to a pow wow and did some dancing. Visited Detroit Zoo. Saw Ray Merriman. I have to say that I'm already aching to go back. The thing I missed the most was being with my Ojibwa family--I've even committed myself to hitting the pow wow trail next summer (one of my lesser known talents is making beaded Indian jewellery). Over the next few days, I'm going to try to catch up a few posts but for now, be content with this nice photo of us dancing at the Black River Pow wow and one with me and my very good childhood friend and mentor Juanita (who remembered me as a joke teller)!

To celebrate having an eclipse on my Mercury, here is a very special Mercury in the 3rd, ruling the sixth Ojibwa joke straight from my Aunt Liz:

An Ojibwa and a Lakota dog are out and about. The Ojibwa dog strolls up to a tree, does his business and resumes frolicking with his Lakota friend. A few minutes later, the Ojibwa dog returns to the place, has a quick sniff then returns. They continue their play but then the Ojibwa dog abruptly stops and goes back to the very same spot. When he returns, the Lakota dog says: "What the hell are you doing?"

The Ojibwa dog says: "Just checking to see if there are any messages!"

On Vacation!

Pardon the delay. . .I'm in the US on vacation! Woohoo! (The picture to the left is of my lovely daughter Jessica in the Native American Indian outfit my sister used to wear--Jess is still a bit too small to wear mine.) The only problem is that I keep bumping into fat, bald, wrinkly old men. Then I realise I went to school with them!

I may be on holiday but my sense of humour isn't. To celebrate getting old, here's a Saturn in the 7th joke.

An old man and his woman are sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their sixtieth wedding anniversary. She touches his hand and says: "You know, after all these years, my nipples are still hot for you!"

The husband says: "They should be. One's in your coffee, the other's in your oatmeal!"

Steve Judd Concedes!

Well, it was a busy weekend at Bath Spa for the MA graduates! Not only was it a time to hear brilliant presentations (a-hem), it was a chance to catch up with old friends. . .and to get old friends to take the Alex Trenoweth "any aspect, any planet, any house" astrological joke challenge.

And guess what? Steve Judd, the world's hardest working astrologer, took up the challenge and had to concede defeat! Ha! And yes Steve, there were witnesses! (left is a photo of Steve at Rainbow Circle Astrology Camp).

In other news, Nick Campion gave yours truly a compliment! Good goddess, what is the world coming to when Steve Judd concedes and Nick Campion hands out compliments??

Lest either Nick or Steve get it into their heads otherwise, let me publicly declare that my academic heart still belongs to Patrick Curry! In honour of Patrick Curry (an ex pat like me), Steve Judd admitting defeat, and Nick Campion finally saying nice things about me, here's a little Pluto conjunct Mars in the 11th house joke.

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.

"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.

"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

3rd Post Graduate Research Conference

"Taking the Devil by the Horns: Lucifer's journey from Morning Star to Arch-demon and back again"

On Sunday, I will be reading an abstract from my MA dissertation from the Cultural Astronomy and Astrology course at Bath Spa.

Essentially, I will be arguing that the story of Lucifer is a result of a mistranslation by St Jerome and a myth perpetuated by later authors. I'll also be talking about goats, pentagrams and winged deities, by products of the Lucifer myth.

Since I'm de-mystifying Lucifer, I thought I should thrown in a satan (who isn't who we think he is either) joke. But you'll have to come to my talk to fully understand. . .

Pluto conjunct Neptune

Two satans meet one day. The first satan says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender missionary, I’ve baked them, I have roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. I just can’t seem to get them tender.”

The second satan asks, “What kind of missionary do you use?”

The other replies, “You know, the ones that hang out at the place at the bend of the lake.They have those brown cloaks with a funny ring of hair on their heads.”

“Aha!” the second satan replies. “No wonder – those are friars!”

Happy Caturday

Venus in the 6th. . .with a Jupiter transit

Helen Clark: Oopsie

The Metro has reported that Helen Clark, former MP of Petersborough, was filmed ranting and raving whilst seemingly blind drunk.

Oopsie.

We’re used to young people acting like fools on too much of the brew but to have an adult in a position of responsibility ranting like an idiot? It’s embarrassing enough for a normal person (and I use that term loosely) to be seen in such a state but to be a politician and to have it recorded on youtube seems to be most unfortunate.

So unfortunate that I couldn’t resist but have a little peek at her chart.

According to her Wikipedia entry, Helen Clark was born 23 December 1954 in Derby. A quick head calculation will tell you she’s going to have transit Pluto problems—and sure enough, with Pluto’s current position at 29 degrees, 30 minutes Sagittarius, the Lord of the Underworld does his stake in the heart routine all over her natal Sun/Mercury conjunction. Anything Helen hopes to be buried and forgotten is likely to resurrect its spiky little head at every embarrassing opportunity. If she goes through with her threat of suing youtube and Goddess-knows-who-else, it will only call attention to her shenanigans and cause more embarrassment. It’s enough to evoke images of Hercules and his battle with the deadly Hydra, a terrifying multi-headed beast.

In the myth, Hercules was assigned the task of killing the Hydra. His mentor advised him, “We rise by kneeling. We conquer by surrendering. We gain by giving up.” Hercules paid no mind and went in to fight the Hydra with sword a-blazing. Every time he cut off a head, it was replaced by three more heads, each one more vicious than its predecessor. Eventually, Hercules got the idea of what his mentor had advised him. Kneeling in its slime, Hercules raised the Hydra to where the sun shone in the cave and it withered and died. Where there’s Pluto, there’s treasure: after its death, the Hydra was replaced by a valuable jewel. And that’s the beauty of a Pluto transit. . .

Rather than calling more attention to this dreadful predicament, Helen should maybe face her demons and be seen to do something about it.

In honour of politicians, seemingly irredeemable situations and last second resurrections, here’s my Jupiter in 12th inconjunct Mars in 7th (with a Pluto transit) joke.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.
After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food. After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him." "No problem," says the barman. "He's upstairs with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man. "Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"

Enid Williams: Rock Astrologer

Not only did I bump into Shelley von Strunckel the other night at the Astrological Lodge of London, I also caught up with my friend, rock goddess and astrologer, Enid Williams, who is in the heavy metal band, Girlschool. Enid was worried about taking a bad photo. Ha! As if! Here's Enid's my space link! You have got to see this chick do her guitar thing!

In honour of my favourite rock astrologer (OK, she's the only rock astrologer I know of but she is MEGA cool), here's my very flattering Sun cj Neptune with a Jupiter transit in the 7th joke.

A guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he'd like a scotch before he goes home. The player says 'sure' and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute.

From nowhere a little voice says, "Great gig man, you're one hot picker."

The player looks at the barman and says, "Thanks."

The barman says, "What for?"

The player says, "For sayin' nice things about my work."

The barman says, "I didn't say nothing."

The guitarist thinks it's late and he's a bit spaced so he'd better head off when another little voice says: "Yeah, great licks, man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there."

The guitar player turns around and says, "Thanks," but there's nobody there.

The feller at the bar says, "Are you ok?" because the picker looks a bit pale.

The guitarist says, "Yeah, I think so."

Then, as he empties his glass another voice says, "Hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you!"

The guitarist says, 'OK! THAT'S IT! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?'

The barman runs down and says, "What's your problem dude?"

The guitarist says 'WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?'

"What voices? What are they saying?"

When the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says: "Oh that'll be the peanuts, man. They're complimentary!"

Alex Trenoweth's guide to annoying star signs

OK, anyone who knows me knows how I feel about star signs (equivalent to a priest selling fake holy water). But yesterday, I met the only astrologer in the world with a cooler surname than me, Shelley von Strunckel . (And do you see what I mean about me never being able to manage to look glamourous?) Shelley encouraged astrologers to be more generous to other astrologers and to stop trying to out do each other. Inspired, I decided to offer the proverbial olive branch to my friends who write the newspaper astrology columns.

In case you haven't figured it out, the jokes in this blog are a collection rather than my own intellectual material (I keep waiting to find a threat for legal action in the comments: you know: "that's my joke, you astrologer, you."). However, this guide is my work so if you're going to quote it, make sure you attribute it to me, okay? On second thought, don't tell ANYONE I did a star sign guide. (Thanks for a fab talk, Shelley--and it was lovely to meet you!)

Alex Trenoweth's guide to annoying star signs

Aries: Make them wait in a long queue that doesn’t seem to be moving
Taurus: Move their furniture around--just a little bit. Eat in front of them without offering them anything. Make sure you finish every crumb.
Gemini: Don’t speak to them or don’t give them the chance to speak at all. Make sure you immobilise their hands too.
Cancer: Insult their mothers, their country or their offspring. Deny them all dairy products. Especially cheese (all right, that would get on MY nerves)
Leo: Hide their hair gel/hair brush, then take away their mirrors
Virgo: Eat something that makes your fingers sticky then shake their hand. Make sure there's no running water/soap/hand wipes first.
Libra: Let them know they’re not invited to your party. Make a big point of handing out the invitations in front of them.
Scorpio: Return their “evil” glare without a flinch, expose their secret plans, act as if you're not morally offended at their double entendres.
Sagittarius: Tie them up. Gag them and don’t let them exercise their right to freedom of speech. Hide their passport.
Capricorn: Put everyone to work, then make sure everyone gets a pay rise and promotion except them. Tell them they're lazy and will never amount to anything.
Aquarius: Deny them the opportunity to do group work, make them wear a business suit with the tie done all the way to the top. Ensure they blend in with the crowd.
Pisces: Give them all the alcohol they can drink then give them a map and tell them to find their own way home.

And Jules and Kim: You know. . .

Practice Hen Night

Well, they say practice makes perfect so me and my buddies Jules Genik and Kim Farnell did a dummy run of my hen night. And it's a good thing we did too because the restaurant wasn't quite what we'd expected. The food wasn't bad but it was a bit over-priced and the menu wasn't as extensive as we would have liked. To top it off, the service wasn't so hot (though perhaps we can excuse this because the Maitre 'D had a heavy cold--which he kept inadvertantly demonstrating to us). For the better part of the meal, we were also the only three in there which made me wonder why it wasn't more busy on a Saturday night in the middle of London. Then there was the thing with the two ambulances and three police cars outside that convinced us that perhaps this wouldn't be the best place for a group of women to feel safe after a few drinks and without male escort.

However, don't you just love it when you do something different with you hair and it works?

Here's me at the start of the night, looking somewhat glam (being a teacher, the glamourous look is something I rarely manage. No matter how hard I try, I end up still looking like a teacher!).

And here's me a few hours later at a club we found near Oxford Circus, looking a little tired. Don't be too hard on me--it's 1am and my bedtime is usually about 9:30. Special note: Jules has this lipstick that makes your lips feel like you've been supping the tabasco sauce. But don't they look lush?

And the nominee for the weirdest toilets goes to. . .

this club in London had toilets that looked like something out of Alien. I was scared to use them and opted for a hedge ticket on the way home. No not really, I did use them but I was still pretty freaked out.

Me and Kim, with Jules taking the photograph. Some sweet young male thangs made the passing comment: "There's some nice looking ladies!" Made our night! Although, standing next to Kim, I think I look like a hulking female impersonator!

In honour of hairstyles that turn out okay, Hen's nights that could have been turkeys if it hadn't been for the dummy run and getting compliments out of young stud muffins, here's my joke to provide a little counterbalance. . .

Saturn in 6th

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.

The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

Pretty Kitty

I love cats.

I especially love it when they walk on me when I'm in bed. I love the way they stick their cold little noses in my ear and purr. I love to watch them stretch. I love it when they meow at me because I'm not opening their tin of food quick enough. I love it when they rub themselves against my legs. I keep thinking I'd like to get them to paint like the cat, right.

Anyway, this morning my beautiful boy, Purrseus (below left), killed a mouse just for me. How do I know he killed it for me? Because he left it right where he knew I would be sure to step on it. Yuk. Try having mouse guts squashed between your toes at 6 am. I do love my cats though (we also have his twin brother Bubbles). So much that I'm going to declare it Caturday with a gorgeous range of Venus in the 6th house jokes. By the way, you might know that small animals rule the 6th house and big animals ruled the 12th. So how do you know if an animal is "big" or "small"? Well, apparently, if it's bigger than a goat, it's 12th house and if it's smaller than a goat it's the 6th. However, I forgot to ask: "what about goats themselves?"

No matter. . .here's a few cat jokes. Happy Caturday!

1. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

2. What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

3. Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

And thanks to Claire Chandler!

Just a public thank you to my buddy and amazing Astrological Lodge of London president Claire Chandler for rescuing me last week. Thanks Claire (and Russ)!!

Here we are at Sue Farebrother's aforementioned, (but still not revealing numbers), party.

And to really give my thanks, here's my Mercury in the sixth house joke just for her (OK and for Russ too):

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."

"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...

"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.

"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

"It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."

Happy Birthday Sue Farebrother

My buddy Sue Farebrother turned an age I won't reveal! Here's a photo. We had so much fun SOMEONE couldn't hold the camera still (a-HEM).

To celebrate this mystery, I have a little joke just for her. It can only be Uranus/Mars (ruling sixth) cj the Sun of the solar return. . .in the eighth house.

A young woman was coming up to her 21st birthday and for all of the previous month, she had dropped heavy hints to family, friends and colleagues about the impending big day. The morning of her birthday, she had expected her roommates to have left a small but tasteful pile of presents and cards but she could find none. She waited for one of them to wish her a happy birthday and cue a deluge of happy wishes. Nothing. So she checked the morning mail, expecting the postman would need a wheelbarrow to make the deliveries. There was nothing but the electric bill. Not one to get to disheartened, she remained optimistic her work would bring the desired good wishes. Nothing. At lunch time, she went out and bought herself a little badge that said "Birthday Girl," hoping to jog some faulty memories. It seemed no one even noticed. She stayed at work later than she should have, still expecting someone at work might have remembered. No one did--and she was the last to leave. How can such a popular girl as myself be forgotten? she wondered. So she went home, still hopeful there might be some sort of surprise arrangements. She positioned herself by the phone, where she was still waiting some time later. Depressed, she got out the old peanut butter, smeared a thick layer on her nether regions and called her faithful bull mastiff to do the birthday honours. She was just forgetting all her troubles when she the front door suddenly opened and she was immediately surrounded by every friend, member of family and work colleague she had ever known. Before anyone could take in what was going on, they all yelled: "SURPRISE!"

Pluto, RIP

Not too long ago, before the astrological rage to predict what would happen once Pluto was in Capricorn (this was when Pluto was actually a planet!), the Lord of the Underworld was on the galactic centre. I miss Pluto. But I'm happy astronomers say he doesn't matter anymore. This means we don't have to worry about anihilating ourselves anymore because we've lost the touch. In fact, since we're about to use up everything instead, we should just use it up faster. Oh wait. . .

All right, I'll admit it: I'm still annoyed about Boris' new law. So annoyed, I'm going to reminisce about when Pluto was conjunct the galactic centre (there's probably a Neptune transit here somewhere but that's not exactly new news (since everyone alive has a Pluto-Neptune aspect)) (yes I just did do tricky things with parentheses) (but don't worry, it will be all right in the end). There's no better way to remember the good old days than with a right old giggle. Here's to when Pluto was conjunct the Galactic Centre:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo so we should look forward to more refined, respectable hairstyles. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Lights Out

Pardon the delay on the blog--on the night I spoke about Herschel, Uranus and Mary Shelley's vision of Horror at the Astrological Lodge of London, our electricity went off. Even more freaky, the photos of me on the night show mysterious orbs of light. I was joking that I had channeled Mary Shelley. . .maybe I really did!

Freaky. . .

As we're talking about Uranus, here's my super-Uranus joke, with Jupiter conjunct Uranus, perhaps with a Mars transit. . .

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex."Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?”

"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!",

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.”

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?”

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”

"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Back to school

*sigh*
Now I'm back at school (in my other life, I'm a teacher), this calls for a special joke with. . .a yod (there's a photo of one to the left). Here's my Mars in the 8th quincunx the ascendant sextile Saturn in the 3rd (clearly this could only exist in a quadrant-based house system):

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says: "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

Cleaning up the underworld

I couldn't decide whether to sing sexy sexagenarian Harrison Ford's praises or blow cyber raspberries at Boris Johnson for "banning" alcohol on public transport. So I thought, in true Gemini-rising style, I'd do both.

Goddamn, that Harrison Ford is one hot old man. He's sixty-six this year? Blimey. Why am I on about Harrison? I went to see the Indiana Jones flick last night with my own sexy sexagenarian (well, I do have Capricorn one the 8th house cusp). A lot of these sexy sexagenarian's were born during the Saturn/Pluto conjunction of 1946 (actually Harrison was born a few years before so strictly speaking he doesn't count--however, he does have Pluto transiting his progressed Moon) which means that their second Saturn return would trigger that smouldering sensuality of Pluto in Leo. Think Steven Tyler of Aerosmith and Mick Jagger. Oh and for the boys, Susan Sarandon.

Boris Johnson has just banned drinking alcohol on public transport. Oh yeah right, that'll work. Who's going to enforce that one? Transport police? They can't even stop mobs of teenagers rampaging through the aisles emancipating everyone of their wallets and electronic goodies. I would suggest we should ban stupid hairstyles on men but half the male astrologers would be in the clink and we have so few as it is.

OK, in honour of today's sexy sexagenarians and stupid ideas from our new mayor of London that will never work, a special, triple conjunction joke appropriate for a Sunday.

Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune cj in the 9th house

Billy was a painter and alcoholic who was down on his luck. One day, the local vicar offered to pay him for repainting the local cathedral but because of his unreliability, would only pay after the job was finished. So Billy checked his inventory and after a few quick calculations, realised he would be quite short of paint. Not one to be easily discouraged, he mixed the good paint with some turps and got to work. When he finished, everyone was very impressed. The new paint job was just what was needed. So the vicar paid Billy and Billy went out to buy a few cans of Stella to celebrate. On the way back, Billy decided he would have a final look at his mighty fine work. To his surprise, a crowd had also gathered to join in admiration. Just then, clouds began to gather and very soon, it began to rain. It didn't take long for the crowd to notice that Billy's paint was washing away. The crowd turned on poor Billy and just as they were about to burn him at the stake, Billy cried out to God for help.

"I am so sorry, God! Please help me!" he hollered. Suddenly, there was a mighty crack of lightning and from the sky, a terrifying finger of flame emerged pointing straight a Billy. Simultaneously, the ropes that bound him, burned away.

"Now go," a voiced boomed, "re-paint and thin no more."

Alex Trenoweth at the United Astrology Conference

My buddy Jules Genik not only sat through my "Gone With the Wind: The Zodiacal Parade" presentation at the United Astrology Conference, she took a few photos too! Thanks for your support, Jules!

So here's me in full lecture mode:

Above is me with Margaret Mitchell, author of "Gone With the Wind" in the back ground.

Below is yours truly sans hat--it kept falling off!

Haha--I felt like such a fool walking around the conference trying to get people to come to my lecture. . .but they'll never forget me in Denver!

Jules said she took a lot of photos but only a few turned out because I moved around so quickly.

Well, I was trying to balance a very big hat whilst taking very shallow breaths, making sure my hoops didn't obscure anyone's vision and operating the remote control for the PPP and trying to keep the dress from falling off my heaving bosoms. I say it's a very good thing I have so much Mercury in my chart (Gemini rising, Mercury (retrograde) in Leo in the 3rd, cj the IC!). Oh by the way, don't believe all the bad stuff you hear about retrograde planets! Here's a joke to demonstrate my point:

Mercury Retrograde in 9th
A team of archaeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall.

The head archaeologist points to the first drawing. “This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem.” he says. “The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish: If famine hit the earth, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews.”

The second archaeologist shakes his head. “Hebrew is read from right to left,” he explains. “It says, ‘Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!’”

No reflection on Thomas a Becket. . .

One of the things that attracted me to live in England was the very moving story of Thomas Becket's murder by Henry II in Canterbury Cathedral. What a shame it took me some 18 years to finally get around to seeing this glorious place.

The first picture is the sculpture at the very place Becket's body was found, with the blades of one of the swords actually embedded in the floor.

Alex Trenoweth between a hot and a sharp place.














Inside the Canterbury Cathedral. So beautiful, it really does take your breath away. But not your sense of humour.

Uh oh, I feel a joke coming on. . .

Neptune in 9th opp Jupiter in 3rd
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list.

He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years." St. Peter consults his list.

He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Sun?

I know it's the end of May in London but can't we have a little break from grey skies? Reminds me of a joke I once heard. . .

Jupiter in Pisces in 9th square Neptune in 12th

A very religious man wanted to prove his faith in God. So, he tied himself to a pylon in the ocean, with the water up to his chest. As the tide started to come in, a boat came by.

The man in the boat said, "Hey, what are you doing? Get in my boat and I will save you." At which time the man said that he had total faith in God and that He would not let him drown. As the water neared his head, another boat came by. The man stopped and said the same thing. To which the near drowning man stated,

"I have total faith in my God. He will not let me drown."

So, the boat went away. A third boat came by. This boater was frantic, being that the water was lapping at the man's nose. But the response was the same. As the last boat left, the water rose above his head and the man drowned. Walking around Heaven, the man was clearly confused. Then he saw God.

"Lord, I had total faith in You. Why would You let me down like that? You made no effort to stop the tide!"

At which time God stated, "Holy Cow, man, what more did you want from Me? I sent you three boats!!!"

Conjunctions